


All the Songs Make Sense

by osaycanyousolo



Series: All the Songs [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-03 03:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 39,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5275466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osaycanyousolo/pseuds/osaycanyousolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hope has been the Reign's goalkeeper coach since her sudden retirement from soccer following the 2016 Olympics. She's finally put her past to rest when Kelley is suddenly traded to Seattle. Now Hope and Kelley have to face the fact that they haven't talked in three years and they both bear scars from their past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, it's me, I was wondering  
> If after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything  
> They say that time's supposed to heal ya  
> But I ain't done much healing
> 
> \- Hello by Adele

            Hope waited outside the conference room door with the other assistant coaches and team personnel. The others were trying to guess what this meeting could be about. So far the prevailing theory was a last minute trade. With the season beginning in a month, a trade would be unexpected, but not completely unheard of. Camp would start within the week, so if it really was a trade, it would be a shock for the players involved. Hope didn’t care either way, so she leaned up against the wall and disinterestedly played with her phone. No matter which players they brought in, she’d do her job. Plus, the chances of them bringing in a new keeper were less than zero. Kop was Seattle’s lifetime keeper after Hope had retired. She didn’t see that changing, especially with the success rate Kop had in the box.

            The door to the conference room opened suddenly and they were invited inside. Hope followed the small crowd into the room and took a seat at the table with the Reign’s other staff members. She internally raised an eyebrow as she surveyed the table. The entire staff, including ownership was there. Laura Harvey, the longtime general manager and coach, stood and addressed the table, “Thank you all for coming, we don’t usually drag everyone down here, but we’re looking to make a big move and we want everyone’s thoughts. Granted, your thoughts may not make a difference whatsoever, but we’re asking anyway.”

            Chuckles filled the room. Hope knitted her eyebrows together in concentration and wondered who they wanted to bring in and who was going to be out because of it. Harvey looked around the room as she continued, “As you know, Pinoe’s decided to retire at the end of this season. That is going to leave us with a pretty significant hole in leadership. We have some other veteran players, who can certainly lead this team, but they’re all defenders and we want to shake things up on offense.” She paused and looked at Hope, “We want to bring in Kelley O’Hara.”

            Murmurs arose from the table, but all Hope could hear was the buzzing in her ears. They wanted Kelley O’Hara in Seattle. Of course they did. It made perfect sense: veteran leadership, versatility, creative goal scoring, and she’s the ultimate team player. Hope swallowed and looked up at Harvey, who was looking at her expectantly. She had no idea what Harvey had asked her so she diverted the question, “Will Chicago give her up that easily?”

            “We’ve been in talks with them all week. They desperately need youth and defenders so we do have something to offer them. They’ve been stingy so far with how well she’s done for them since they picked her up from Sky Blue, but we think they’re going to cave. They need to start rebuilding soon. They’ve got a ton of older players,” Harvey explained.

            Hope nodded, still reeling from the announcement. Harvey’s answer sparked some discussion amongst the other coaches and Hope took a second to catch her breath and hopefully slow her pulse, which was beating frantically in spite of her seemingly calm exterior. Hope had always been good at masking her emotions when she needed to. She set her jaw and willed her heart rate to slow.

            Three years. It had been three years since she’d seen Kelley. Three years since she’d retired unexpectedly from professional soccer. Three years since she’d let her heart get away from her. And now here she was, being thrown right back into the fray, no better off, by the lump in her throat. _Shit,_ she thought, _why does it have to be Kelley?_

            Hope took a breath and looked up as Harvey addressed her again, “So Hope, you’ve been uncharacteristically quiet. You played with her for a long time. Is she worth it?”

            Hope cleared her throat and sat up, “What are we giving up?”

            Harvey sighed, as the room turned back to her, “Well, that’s the thing. They want a lot for her.”

            Hope arched an eyebrow, “I’m sure they do. She’s a veteran with a gold medal and a world cup. She can literally play anywhere and has the best instincts of anyone I’ve ever seen. Defensively she can track anyone down. Offensively her crosses are fantastic and she scores goals. And she hasn’t lost a step even though she’s thirty. So what are they asking for exactly?”

            Harvey nodded at Hope’s assessment, “They want two young field players, preferably defensive and a first round pick for next year. We want a pick in return, even if it’s a later round.”

            Hope nodded slowly, as if thinking it over. She swallowed her trepidation and relented, “She’s Kelley O’Hara, of course she’s worth it.”

***

            Kelley reached for the buzzing phone on the coffee table. Her heart sank as she saw the name of her agent on the display. They weren’t scheduled for a meeting for a few weeks, so chances are this was big news. Kelley took a deep breath to steel herself before answering. The question was whether the big news would be good or bad.

            “Hey Mike!” she greeted her longtime agent. “I didn’t expect to be hearing from you so soon.”

            “Hey Kelley! My favorite soccer player! So I’m calling with some big news. You’ve been causing quite a stir!” her agent said.

            Kelley’s stomach dropped. This meant a trade. She’d just gotten used to Chicago and now he was going to tell her she was going to have to start all over again. “Really?” she asked, her voice laced with apprehension.

            “Hey no worries, this is going to be huge for you. Are you sitting down?” her agent teased.

            “Oh my god Mike, will you just tell me?” Kelley asked, barely able to contain her annoyance.

            He chuckled on the other end before answering, “You’re going to Seattle kid. Welcome to the big time!”

            Seattle. _Holy shit._ Kelley swallowed her shock. Seattle. The Seattle Reign. Hope’s team. Hope’s hometown. Hope. _Shit._

            “Isn’t that great?!” he continued. “Seattle was already a contender and with you, now they’re going to be the best in the league. It’s going to be a huge year for you! Third world cup, defending champs, and now you’re going to Seattle! This is your year Kelley!”

            “Uh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, this is such a surprise,” Kelley answered automatically. She was still reeling from the shock. The season started in a month. She had just been gearing up for the Red Stars camp to start and now she’d have to pack and move. And get there before camp started. _Shit!_

            “I bet! Hey I know this was super last minute, but you’re going to have to find a way to get there ASAP. Their camp starts Wednesday. I know that’s only a few days from now, but you know people out there right? Any way you can get yourself out there? Being at camp on time would send a clear message that you’re happy to be there!” her agent advised.

            “Um, yeah. God of course. I wouldn’t miss it. And yeah, this is a great opportunity. When are they announcing it?” Kelley asked distractedly.

            “In a few hours. They wanted to make sure everyone knew already before they told the world,” he answered.

            “Yeah, ok. Well, I have a lot to do now! Thanks Mike,” Kelley replied.

            “No problem champ! Let it reign!” he laughed before hanging up.

            _Jesus. Seattle. The fucking Seattle Reign. Any team in the damn league and it had to be Seattle,_ Kelley thought, covering her face with her hands and taking a deep breath. Deep down she knew it was an amazing opportunity. Seattle was a contender every year and they must have really wanted her because she knew Chicago had been happy with play. But now she was going to Seattle. Home of the great Hope Solo.

            Kelley stared out her apartment window at the Chicago skyline in the distance as she thought about the last time she’d seen Hope. For three years she had tried to get the picture of the retreating figure out of her head to no avail. She thought her last memory of Hope would always be of her walking away after her last game, having just given Kelley one last look of love and heartbreak. Kelley could hear her last words to the goalkeeper echoing in her head, _I hope you’re happy._

            She hadn’t even said goodbye. And Hope had said nothing in return. She’d only given her that last look before getting into the cab headed for the airport. Kelley felt a twinge of the old anger and guilt that followed her since the day she broke Hope Solo’s heart.

            Now she was going to have to see her every day. Granted, Hope was just the goalkeeper coach for the Reign, but still. She’d see her plenty. _Shit._ They hadn’t talked since that day. Kelley had thought about calling or texting or reaching out, but hadn’t gotten farther than picking up her phone. The truth was she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She was still angry that Hope hadn’t fought for her and had just accepted Kelley’s proclamation that they were over. She was still hurt that Hope always chose everything else over her. And every thought of Hope was laced with the guilt that the greatest goalkeeper in US history had decided to suddenly retire after her heart had been broken by some stupid defender who rode the bench. _Fuck._

            The front door of her apartment opened suddenly and Kelley pulled her gaze away from the window to greet her girlfriend. “Hey babe,” Jen greeted her, setting the groceries down on the counter. She noticed Kelley’s faraway gaze and asked, “What’s wrong?”

            Kelley shook her head and met her girlfriend’s concerned eyes, “I’m going to Seattle.”


	2. Too Late to Apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope freaks out a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
> I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late  
> \- Apologize by OneRepublic

            Hope walked down the hall to her office in a complete fog. She arrived at her office door, opened it and found herself sitting in the chair behind her desk, not remembering the process of actually getting there. The buzzing in her ears was starting to fade finally, but her heart continued to race traitorously. The meeting had ended quickly after her proclamation that Kelley was worth it. Harvey had agreed and they were going to go after her aggressively. Hope had walked out immediately after Harvey thanked the room for coming. She made a quick exit out of the conference room and practically raced down the hall. She couldn’t remember the physical journey, but her thoughts were like landmarks along the way.

            _Three years. It’s been three years._

_She said “I hope you’re happy.” Those were her last words._

_I’d said, “Good luck Kell,” and she’d responded with “I hope you’re happy.”_

_And I haven’t talked to her in three years._

_God, everything is so different now. I’m so different now. I wonder what she’s heard. I wonder if she’s thought about me. Jesus fucking Christ that’s so selfish. I wonder what she thought when she heard we got divorced. God, that’s ridiculous. Maybe she doesn’t know._

_I wonder what she’s going to think when she finds out she’s coming here. She has to know I’m here. Of course she knows I’m here. We’ve played her. Stop being such an idiot._

_She’s going to freak out. Stop it, no she won’t freak out. I’m freaking out. I’m sure she’s over it. She was always good at bouncing back. Every fucking time I broke her heart. I’m the one that can’t get her shit together._

_Fuck, I’m freaking out._

            Hope shook off the deluge of thoughts shooting through her mind and took out her phone. She waited for Carli to answer, desperately willing Carli to answer.

            Of course, she didn’t. She was probably in a team meeting, or an ice bath, or running 15 miles in subarctic temperatures. Hope’s knee bounced anxiously as she left a message, “Carl, I need you to call me back right away. I’m freaking out.” She paused before adding, “Don’t worry, nobody died. We’re trading for Kelley. I’m freaking out. Call me back.”

            She hung up forcefully and messaged Pinoe, _HEY! Are you still here?_

            Hope bit her thumbnail as she waited for a response. She stared at her phone until it buzzed back with Pinoe’s response, _If you mean the building then yes. I am in the building. What’s up buttercup?_

            Hope replied immediately, _Come to my office._

 _Come to my office please Pinoe?_ Megan text back.

            _Pinoe come to my office right now before I hunt you down,_ Hope answered.

            _I’m still waiting for that please,_ Pinoe countered.

            Hope sighed and quickly replied, _PLEASE!!! JFC can you just come down here?_

            Hope heard a buzz from outside her door and sighed with relief as Megan walked in. “Damn girl, keep your pants on. Here I am,” she said from the doorway. Hope stared at her, jaw clenched with a mix of frustration and anxiety. Pinoe stopped short and abandoned her teasing, “What’s wrong?”

            “Close the door,” Hope replied calmly or at least as calmly as she could muster at this point.

            Pinoe closed the door behind her and sat in the chair across from Hope’s desk. “Alright, what’s going on? Why do you look like you’re freaking out?”

            Hope sighed and rubbed her face with her hands before simply answering, “We’re trading for O’Hara.”

            Pinoe’s face lit up at the news, “What! That’s awesome! We’re getting KO?”

            Hope closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, Megan was looking at her quizzically. “Yeah,” she responded calmly.

            “So this is something we should be happy about, but you’re not. That leads me to believe that this isn’t good news for you. Is this the part where you finally tell me what the hell happened between you two?” Megan asked, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

            Hope pinched the bridge of her nose and clenched her jaw. She knew this was why she demanded Pinoe come down here, but it was a lot tougher when facing her old friend. She swallowed her hesitation and said, “We haven’t talked in three years Megan.”

            “Seriously? And now she’s going to come here and you’re worried about what exactly?” Pinoe asked, head tilted in confusion.

            “Ok, look, here’s the short version. Kelley and I have a history. It didn’t end well. After the Olympics, she said she was done with whatever we had and I decided to retire a few weeks later. We never talked about it, we never reconciled, and after I left after my last game, we didn’t speak again,” Hope supplied, not meeting Megan’s eyes. When she did, Pinoe’s look of pity was almost too much for her to take. She shook her head and looked away, willing her eyes to stay dry.

            “Hm, ok. A, I knew it and Kling owes me like 50 bucks at this point. B, does she have something to do with why you up and retired?” Pinoe asked.

            “No, god no. You know me, no. I retired after the Olympics because it was time. I’d lost a step and my body couldn’t keep its shit together any longer,” Hope responded emphatically.

            “Did you have feelings for the kid?” Pinoe asked innocently.

            “Yes,” Hope replied honestly.

            “Do you still have feelings for the kid?” she continued.

            Hope paused and considered the question seriously. Did she still have feelings for Kelley? The answer was uncertain. She’d done such a thorough job of trying to push all those feelings away that she just wasn’t sure anymore. Realistically, her reaction to the news led her to believe that there were most likely lingering feelings of some sort, but Hope was never one to stay in touch with her exes so she wasn’t sure if that’s where the anxiety was coming from or if it was something she hadn’t let herself think about in a while. She answered Megan truthfully, “I’m not sure. I’ve done everything I can to move on from that life and everything that happened and I just don’t know. All I know is that the idea of her coming here scares the shit out of me.”

            Megan raised an eyebrow, “Ok, I hear you. So then did her calling things off have anything to do with the timing of your retirement?”

            Hope looked away again and sniffed. She relented and answered, “It’s not entirely outside the realm of possibility that I moved up my retirement announcement by a month or two due to the fact that I needed to make some significant changes in my life and needed to let the past go.”

            “Hm, that’s a very Hope Solo answer if I’ve ever heard one. Let me make sure I’m reading this situation correctly. You’re freaking out because you two have history and you haven’t talked in three years. And you dragged me down here because Carli is off climbing Mount Everest or competing in a triathlon or whatever she does in her downtime and is unavailable to you at this time,” Pinoe replied with her signature smirk.

            “Basically,” Hope admitted, leaning back in her chair.

            “I see. As the secondary advisor to the greatest goalkeeper of all time, I only have one question. What are you going to do about it?” Megan asked calmly, raising her eyebrows in Hope’s direction.

            Hope let loose a long breath and thought honestly about how to answer that. Pinoe waited expectantly, smiling with just the corners of her lips. It was clear that she was equally amused and trying to be helpful. Hope cracked her neck to buy herself a few more precious seconds and responded, “I guess I just have to find a way to leave the past behind and move forward. She’s a player on a team I’m coaching just like everyone else and I need to be professional.”

            “And you think it’s going to go smoothly?” Pinoe inquired, skepticism apparent in her question.

            “No of course not, but ultimately, it’s my job and I always do my job. I’m not going to let stupid shit from years ago drag either of us down. I wouldn’t do that to her,” Hope replied.

            “Can you just apologize for being a dick and you two can move forward?” Pinoe asked.

            “I think it’s too late for that,” Hope stated simply.

            “Alright then,” Pinoe said, standing up. “Looks like you have quite a situation on your hands. If you want me to run interference just say the word. You know how I feel about the kid, so I’m not going to take sides if it comes down to it. But I got your back if you need help. You can talk to me.”

            Hope nodded solemnly and said, “Thanks Pinoe. I have a feeling I’m going to have to take you up on that offer.”

            “Oh my god, can we have weekly girl chats where we braid each other’s hair and talk about hot girls and our feelings?” Pinoe teased.

            “Shut up!” Hope laughed, flinging a pen in Megan’s direction.

            Pinoe cackled in response as she dodged the projectile. “No but seriously, can I collect from Kling? I mean 50 bucks is kind of a lot.”

            Hope rolled her eyes and nodded, “Yes, but I get half.”

            “Yeah no. How about ten?” Pinoe scoffed.

            “Twenty or I’m saying no. And you know I have the goods to blackmail you,” Hope challenged.

            “Shit, ok fine. When I acquire the bet money, I will hand over $20 for you graciously allowing me to collect and hold this over Kling for all time,” Pinoe relented.

            “Deal,” Hope said with a nod. Pinoe moved to the door and Hope cleared her throat, “Hey Megan? Thanks.”

            “No problem, that’s what I’m here for,” Megan said as she exited the tiny office.

            Hope covered her face in her hands as the door closed behind Pinoe. She took a deep breath in and dropped her hands in her lap. She looked around her minuscule closet of an office and thought about everything that had changed in the last three years. Retirement. Divorce. Coaching. A new home. A new life.

            And now the past was challenging her. One last hurdle to overcome. One last memory to put to rest and then maybe she could really move on.

            Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzz of her phone. _Can’t call until I get home in a few hours. Sorry! But oh my god! Are you ok? Are you freaking out? I bet you’re freaking out,_ read Carli’s text.

            Hope snorted at her best friend and replied, _Of course I’m freaking out. I told you I was freaking out in my message. But I’ll live. Pinoe was in the building and I made her talk to me because someone wasn’t available._

Carli’s reply cut right to the chase, _Did you tell her?_

            Hope rolled her eyes and responded, _Yeah I kinda had to didn’t I? She’s getting $50 in bet money from Kling. I get $20 of it._

 _Lol! That’s awesome. But seriously, you ok?_ Carli asked.

            _No but I will be. Pinoe actually helped. I think I needed to just freak out for a sec so I could sort it out,_ Hope text back.

            _I’ll call you when I get home. Try to keep from freaking out again until I call ok?_ Carli replied.

            _I’ll do my best,_ Hope responded with a small smile and set her phone down on the desk. She took a deep calming breath. And then another. That was easier said than done.


	3. Unkiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley arrives in Seattle and thinks back to the last time she saw Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unkiss me  
> Untouch me  
> Untake this heart  
> And I'm missing  
> Just one thing  
> A brand new start
> 
> \- Unkiss Me by Maroon 5

            Kelley followed Harvey down the hallway. The contract signing and press conference were finally over. Kelley felt like she had just stepped off a roller coaster, a little wobbly and a slightly nauseous. She’d arrived in Seattle only a few hours ago and was now getting the tour of Reign HQ. It wasn’t very big, but had a grandiose air, much more so than Chicago or Sky Blue. Every few feet were pictures of Hope or Pinoe or Little or Fishlock. The others she could ignore, but the pictures of Hope she could hardly tear her eyes away from.

            They were of her Hope. The Hope she’d had and the Hope she’d lost. Kelley wondered absently if she looked different now, if three years had made a difference or if she was still timeless. She could clearly picture Hope’s face as she got in the cab that night. She knew she’d never forget that moment.

            Kelley’s stomach fluttered knowing Hope was most likely in the building and somewhere nearby. Camp officially started tomorrow, but most of the players and staff were readying themselves for the new season by getting an early start. Harvey was leading Kelley from the media room to the player locker room. “This is our main hallway,” Harvey’s words brought Kelley momentarily out of her train of thought. “All the staff offices are here and that passage at the end of the hall leads to the locker room and meeting room.”

            Kelley nodded in response and quickly scanned the hall for open office doors. Most of the doors were labeled for storage or supplies. Harvey pointed out her office and told Kelley that the assistance coaches were the next few down. Kelley swallowed thickly as she saw that one of the doors was open partially, as if the person hadn’t gotten around the closing it. She willed herself to keep her eyes forward and her face expressionless. Harvey continued to talk about the offices and tomorrow’s morning meeting, but Kelley only picked up bits and pieces through the sound of the blood pumping wildly through her body.

            She stole a look at the nameplate next to the door. Her quick glance was enough to verify that the nameplate said _Hope Solo._ She clenched her jaw and held her breath in anticipation. _Just keep walking straight. Don’t look over. Don’t look over. Don’t-_ Kelley turned her head slightly as she passed the door, unable to will herself into not looking into Hope’s office.

            Hope sat at her desk, pen in hand, looking up at something just to the right of the door. Kelley watched as Hope’s ice blue eyes flicked in her direction and widened in surprise. Kelley met her gaze and felt her lips unwillingly curl into a smile. Her stomach dropped violently as Hope passed out of view. Kelley took a deep intake of breath as they moved further down the hall. Harvey noticed and slowed, “Hey do you want to stop and say hi to Hope?”

            Kelley waved her off. “Nah, I’ll just catch up with her later. What were you saying about the meeting tomorrow?” she responded, barely able to keep the tremor out of her voice.

            Harvey looked at her quizzically, but quickly nodded and returned to the topic of tomorrow’s meeting. Kelley replayed the three second interaction on a loop in her mind. Hope hadn’t had time to prepare herself. She was truly surprised to see Kelley pass her door. Her eyes held none of the sadness they had the last time they saw each other, just genuine shock at seeing Kelley and something else, almost imperceptible. Something Kelley couldn’t quite put her finger on. Hope’s face hadn’t even had time to catch up. It had frozen, along with the rest of her.

            Of course Kelley’s smile had betrayed her. It always did when it came to Hope. Kelley let her mind wander back to their last interaction, a day that stuck with her, vivid as ever, even after all this time.

***

_September 2016_

            _Kelley found herself in the elevator pressing the button for Carli and Hope’s floor. She thought about the game. They’d won of course, but Kelley couldn’t look at Hope. She couldn’t look at her during warm-ups, during the walk-out, during the ceremony, during the game, or in the locker room. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she had pushed Hope to this, that her declaration that their farce of a relationship was over had pushed the keeper over the edge. She had to hear it from the keeper herself. She had to hear that this wasn’t about them, that the greatest goalkeeper in the history of the USWNT hadn’t walked away because she couldn’t stand to look at a second string defender any longer. Of course that couldn’t be why. Kelley just had to hear it for herself._

_Kelley arrived at the door and hesitated. She had no idea what to say, but could only think about what she needed to know. She took a deep breath and knocked. She waited impatiently as footsteps moved toward the door. The door open suddenly and Kelley was struck by how sad Carli looked on the other end of the door. She’d never seen the midfielder look so upset, even after they lost the 2011 World Cup._

_Carli looked at Kelley with a mixture of sorrow and pity. “You just missed her,” she said quietly._

_“What?” Kelley replied automatically, unable to process the words._

_“She just left. If you run, you might be able to catch her,” Carli told her._

_Kelley turned and ran down the hall without another word. She could have sworn Carli called out, “Good Luck kid,” as she sprinted down the hall. She came to a skidding stop at the elevators and pushed on the button frantically. Both elevators were at the top of the building. She swore and spun quickly, looking for the door to the stairs. As soon as her eyes locked on it, her body propelled itself into motion, tearing through the door and down the five flights._

_She crashed through the door in the lobby and sprinted past bystanders, muttering, “Sorry, sorry!” as she ran for the front doors. She spotted the tall brunette standing outside with her bags, talking to the bellman._

_She slowed to a walk, sucking in nervous air, willing her heartrate to slow down. It was beating out of control, having nothing to do with the five flights she’d just run down and everything to do with the words that were about to come out of her mouth._

_She walked the rest of the way through the lobby doors and stood behind Hope until she had finished her conversation. She put her hands in her pockets and softly asked, “Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?”_

_Hope spun around, guilt apparent in her eyes, but not in the set of her jaw. She nodded slowly, looking away from Kelley, and took a deep breath. “Yeah, that was the plan. I figured it was easier this way,” she said quietly._

_“For who?” Kelley exploded, throwing her hands wide in the air. Rage roared up inside her and Kelley no longer had the ability to control her words. She let them fly with no regard for the damage they may cause. “For you? For me? Please! You’re just running away! You’re always running away! Every fucking time, it’s because you won’t let yourself be happy. You’re such a fucking pussy, you know that?”_

_Hope looked around and then fixed Kelley with a look. “I’m not doing this with you,” she hissed._

_“You’re right about that! You’re never doing anything with me again!” Kelley countered. She lowered her voice, finally getting a grip on her anger, “This is your fault, you know that right? It’s because of you! And here you are, throwing everything away again.”_

_Hope sighed and said, “Kelley, I’m not throwing everything away. I made the decision to retire. It’s time. You made the decision that we are over. So I’m respecting that. Please just let me go.”_

_They were interrupted by the bellman before Kelley could give a response. He told Hope that her cab was here. She nodded and turned back to Kelley with clenched jaw and unshed tears in her eyes. Kelley’s heart broke and she involuntarily moved toward the older woman. “Don’t go,” Kelley whispered._

_Hope bit her lip and took a step back. “Take care of yourself kid,” she replied, her voice cracking slightly on the last syllable._

_Kelley watched frozen as Hope turned and carried her bags to the cab. She was rooted to the spot, as if watching her walk away in a dream. Hope handed the bags to the driver and moved to open the back door, never once looking back in Kelley’s direction. “Hope!” Kelley called out desperately._

_Hope stood behind the door to the cab and looked up at Kelley. Kelley was struck by the love that filled Hope’s face. It was quickly replaced with grief, as if Hope had just come to the realization that she would never see Kelley again. Hope smiled sadly and called out, “Good luck Kell.”_

_Kelley’s anger crashed back in a tidal wave. It occurred to her in that moment that it really was over and that Hope was giving up without a fight. Every break their relationship had ever put in her heart split open again and all of the long forgotten pain rushed back to the surface. Hope looked away and moved to get into the car._

_“I hope you’re happy!” Kelley yelled as Hope slipped into the car and closed the door with finality._


	4. Keep Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope gets a knock on her office door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm standing here at all  
> I can't believe I made it this far  
> On my way with a smile on my face  
> See the top and I'm not falling off  
>  \- Keep Holding On by Falling in Reverse

            Hope shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts that were distracting her from the task at hand. She paused the playback on her computer and stretched her neck. It cracked loudly and a soft moan escaped her lips. She had been watching film for over an hour, but she’d taken very few notes. She doodled on her notepad briefly, allowing herself a few minutes of quiet reflection.

            Kelley had walked by her office and smiled. _Smiled._ Hope’s attention had been pulled away from the film she was watching on the screen by the sound of Harvey’s voice. She had left the door open when her hands were full and hadn’t had a reason to close it. Her eyes had flicked to the open doorway as Kelley and Harvey were walking by. Just in time to lock eyes with Kelley’s hazel ones.

            It had been a bit of an out of body experience for Hope. Her body had frozen, acting on its own accord. She’d felt it lock up and her eyes widen, but she had been powerless to move it. Simultaneously, she had felt the actual shock of seeing Kelley again for the first time in three years. The surprise had stolen her breath and momentarily stopped her heart.

            Kelley had seemed calm, like she’d known it was coming, which to be fair, she probably had. As soon as Kelley met her eyes, her lips had turned up into a smile. And not a just friendly smile either. It had been the kind of smile that Hope had loved, the one that reached her eyes and had often been laced with mischief. That smile had restarted her heart with a frenzy and allowed all those long pushed away feelings to rush their way to the surface. By the time she had come to her senses, Kelley was long gone and Hope was reeling.

            Hope replayed the scene again and again as she scratched on the paper. _Why did she smile? Why did she have to smile? Are you fucking kidding me? Why can’t I handle this? I’m-_

            Hope’s thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on her still partially open door. Hope jumped in her chair and her head snapped up. Kelley was standing in the doorway, hand on the handle of her office door. “Hey,” Kelley breathed, eyebrows raised unsurely. The confidence she’d shown earlier was no longer evident in her eyes. She was nervous, Hope could tell, probably because Hope herself was suddenly nervous.

            Hope swallowed and willed her voice to work properly. “Hi,” she said softly, a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips.

            “Can I come in?” Kelley asked, shifting her weight anxiously. Her eyes were hopeful and Hope felt her pulse quicken. She took a deep breath and nodded.

            “Yeah, of course! Come sit down,” Hope invited the Reign’s newest player into her office. Hope took another deep breath to steel herself and watched Kelley’s shoulders sag in relief.

            _Keep breathing Solo. Just keep breathing. There is literally no reason to freak out. If she sees you freaking out she may freak out and you don’t need that. Chill out._

Hope repeated these words to herself as Kelley moved into the small room and sat in the chair on the other side of the desk. The desk was the only barrier between them and Hope felt the intimacy of them alone in the tiny room. She leaned back in her chair to make more space between them. Kelley looked good. Her long, light brown hair fell past her shoulders and she there was something different in the way she carried herself. It may have been maturity or life or just the passing of three years, but 30 looked good on Kelley.

            “Welcome to the Reign!” Hope broke the ice with toothy smile.

            Kelley’s face lit up and she shook her head. “Can you believe it?” she asked. “Why the hell did you guys want me?”

            Hope scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Because we needed you,” Hope responded simply.

            Kelley nodded and looked around Hope’s office. Her eyes quickly returned to Hope and studied her for a moment. Hope could feel the heat of Kelley’s gaze as she looked her up and down. Kelley offered her a small smile and pronounced, “You look good. Retirement suits you.”

            Hope smirked and replied, “Yeah, what you’re saying is that I’ve gone a little soft.”

            Kelley laughed in response and said, “Yeah I would never say that to your face. I’d have to sleep with one eye open. But really, you look happy.”

            Hope was unsure of what to make of this. She raised a slender eyebrow in ponderance and muttered, “Hm.” She let Kelley sweat for a second and finally said, “You look good yourself.”

            The lack of qualifier sent a faint blush rising up Kelley’s cheeks and Hope felt some kind of perverse pleasure at having gotten to the younger woman. Kelley played it off with a roll of her eyes and a laugh. She looked away and noticed the TV on the wall next to the door.

            “Hey what are you watching?” Kelley asked, her focus pulled away from Hope’s words.

            “You actually,” Hope admitted, following Kelley’s gaze to the screen.

            “Me?” Kelley asked in surprise, squinting at the paused screen.

            “Yeah, it’s one of the games you played against us last year. I learned a long time ago that it’s really important to understand how our offense works. Their strengths, their weaknesses, what could potentially affect the defense. When we played together, you were never a forward so I never had to see your game from that angle. I only focused on you as a defender. Now that you play for us, I need to understand your game,” Hope explained.

            Kelley raised her eyebrows and considered this. “And?” she asked simply.

            Hope took a deep breath and stared at the frozen film of Kelley in a Red Stars uniform. For a second, Hope found herself thinking about how the uniform didn’t quite suit her. She thought ahead to what it was going to be like actually seeing Kelley every day, in the locker room, at practice, and on the pitch. It dawned on her suddenly that she could never go back to the simple life she’d led the last three years.

            Kelley’s soft voice brought her out of her thoughts, “Um, your silence is making me nervous. What did you see?”

            “Sorry, nothing. I mean, not nothing, but nothing bad,” Hope stumbled.

            Kelley nodded and stole a look at the doodle filled notepad Hope had dropped hastily on her desk. “That’s not very many notes,” she said, looking up to meet Hope’s eyes.

            “Yeah, well it turns out I knew more about you than I thought,” Hope replied, moving the notepad to the corner of her desk. Kelley’s eyes widened in surprise and possibly slight embarrassment. Hope rushed to explain, “What I mean is that it turns out that you are you and when you play defense or offense, you have a very similar approach.”

            “Wow, glowing report. Can that be my new bio?” Kelley asked sarcastically, hurt evident on her face in spite of clear effort on her part to wipe it away.

            Hope mentally kicked herself. This was not how she wanted this to go. She’d spent countless hours fretting about this very meeting and she felt quite assuredly that she was fucking it up. She’d come to the conclusion that she’d wanted to start over, to leave all of their baggage in the past. Kelley had appeared to want the same thing when she came to the door. So far they had delicately tiptoed around the conversation. Hope knew that her next words could set the tone for the foreseeable future. She shook her head and responded, “Sorry, you asked me why we brought you here and what I’ve seen so far on film just solidifies that. You are an exceptional player on offense and defense.”

            “Exceptional? Do go on,” Kelley smirked, the hurt slowly leaving her face.

            Hope smiled at Kelley’s response and continued, “We brought you in because Pinoe is retiring at the end of the season and we need veteran leadership and versatility. You bring that along with big game experience and creativity. You see the field really well and have the brains to see all of the possibilities quickly, no matter which position you’re playing.”

            Kelley’s eyes dropped away from Hope’s and the faint blush returned to her cheeks. She nodded along with Hope’s words. Hope paused uncertainly. Kelley noticed the pause and looked up expectantly. Hope continued, this time quietly, as if she was sharing something secret with Kelley, “That’s why I appreciated you on my backline, even though it wasn’t where you should’ve been. You are so quick and so fearless that I never once doubted you. I knew I could trust you. When you play forward, it looks like your teammates trust you too. You don’t try to score every goal. In fact, I think your assists are more valuable than your goals. You know right where to put the ball every time.”

            “Stop, you’re making me blush,” Kelley said, only half kidding as the color continued to darken on her cheeks. She looked back toward the paused game film on the screen.

            Hope nodded and looked down at her desk. She bit her lip and felt the tension in the room rise steadily with the oppressive silence. She looked up at Kelley uncertainly. It had been a very long time since Hope has said anything remotely supportive to Kelley. That realization hit her hard and she felt a deep regret for how she let things play out three years ago. In spite of the fact that Hope had loved Kelley, she knew she hadn’t treated her fairly. Shame mixed in with the regret and Hope sighed.

            “I’m sorry Kelley,” she admitted.

            “For what?” Kelley asked innocently, finally meeting Hope’s eyes again. Kelley’s brow crinkled in confusion, causing Hope’s stomach to flip nervously.

            She wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. Her apology had just come out on its own. Hope was still on dangerous ground and experience told her that she was really bad in these situations. She swallowed and answered, “I’m sorry for how we left it. And for not calling. And for not saying goodbye. I know we’re going to see each other a lot now so I just wanted to make sure I said that. I don’t want it to be weird between us, but I know it will be, at least for a little while.”

            Kelley sat still, absorbing Hope’s apology. She finally nodded and replied, “I don’t want it to be weird either. But you’re right, it may be for a while. That’s why I came down here. I didn’t want to put this off. I wanted to make sure we could talk before we saw each other at the team meeting tomorrow. A lot has happened in the last few years and I’m hoping we’ve both moved on.”

            Hope offered Kelley a small smile and said, “Thank you for coming down.”

            “You’re welcome,” Kelley responded, with a smile of her own. She shifted in her seat, “I should get going, lots to do.” Hope nodded in agreement and Kelley started to get up before turning back to Hope suddenly. “Oh hey, do you still watch film when preparing for games?”

            “Yeah, usually,” Hope replied, bringing her eyebrows together in confusion.

            “Would it be ok if I came down and watched with you? I could use some help reading the defenses,” Kelley asked.

            “Yeah sure, of course,” Hope responded.

            “Awesome, thank you,” Kelley said, rising from her chair.

            Hope watched her stand and move toward the door. One last admission was fighting to get out, but Hope wasn’t sure she was ready to say it. Kelley was almost out the door before Hope blurted out, “You should know that Harvey asked me.”

            Kelley turned, surprise lighting up her features, and asked, “Asked you what?”

            “She asked me if I thought they should bring you in. She asked me if you were worth it,” Hope explained. Kelley looked at her quizzically from the doorway. Hope smiled and calmly replied, “I said yes.”


	5. Goodbye My Almost Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day, Kelley had had enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye, my almost lover  
> Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
> I'm trying not to think about you  
> Can't you just let me be?  
> So long, my luckless romance  
> My back is turned on you  
> I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
> Almost lovers always do
> 
> \- Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

            Kelley felt her eyes wandering to the front corner of the room where the assistants were sitting. The first team meeting of the year was approaching the forty five minute mark with no ending in immediate sight. Harvey was going over the usual orientation type things for the new players and not so subtle reminders for the veterans, with multiple pointed looks at Pinoe. Predictably Pinoe had denied every insinuation with a shit eating grin.

            Kelley pulled her eyes away from Hope and scanned the room. Her new team had given her and the other new players a warm welcome. She knew most of them from either the national team or from all of her years in professional soccer. In spite of her apprehension about the Reign’s goalkeeper coach, Kelley found she was really excited to play with this team.

            Once again she found herself looking at Hope. She really did look good. She’d never tell Hope, but she did seem a little softer, the hard contours of her professional athlete body rounded slightly. She was still obviously in great shape, but her body was somehow more relaxed, her shoulders not sitting as stiffly as they used to. Kelley started to wonder about what she’d been up to in the last few years. Carli had told her that she’d kicked her ex-husband out after she retired, but Kelley wondered if she was seeing anyone now.

            Pinoe nudged her in the side and whispered, “You’re staring.”

            Kelley blinked and turned to Pinoe seated next to her. “Shut up, I’m listening to Harvey,” she whispered back.

            “And staring,” Pinoe pointed out with a barely contained smirk.

            As if she could hear their conversation, Hope turned to look at them and fixed Pinoe with a questioning eyebrow. Pinoe winked at her dramatically. Kelley shook her head slightly and muttered, “Stop it.”

            “You stop it,” Pinoe responded quietly.

            The problem was that Kelley couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop looking at Hope or thinking about Hope or wondering about Hope. She couldn’t stop replaying Hope’s apology from yesterday. She couldn’t stop thinking about what she meant when she’d said Kelley looked good. She couldn’t stop thinking about how hard Hope seemed to be trying to say the right thing.

            This Hope seemed different than the Hope she’d walked out on. That Hope had been stubborn and unrelenting. This Hope had apologized and complimented her. Kelley couldn’t remember the last time Hope had complimented her in earnest. In the end, she’d just let Kelley say what she needed to say and then watched her walk away.

***

_August 2016_

_Kelley woke up unnaturally early, her eyes stinging slightly from all the crying she’d done the night before. She’d gone to bed heavy hearted and pessimistic about their relationship, or whatever the hell it was they had. Kelley could hear Hope sleeping deeply behind her. She rolled over and looked at the older woman. Hope swam in her vision as the tears sprang up again._

_Kelley inhaled noisily and rolled onto her back. She wiped at the moisture in her eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn’t look back at Hope for fear of losing her nerve. She’d fallen asleep fitfully, worrying about what the new day would bring and what she should do. Overnight her mind had found the answer and she knew it was her only option, even if she hated herself for it._

_She took another deep breath, willing the tears to stop brimming in her eyes. She set her jaw and slipped noiselessly from the bed. She quietly closed the door to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like shit. It was the look of the devastated, the broken hearted, the undone. She hated her reflection. She hated what she’d become. And she hated Hope for it._

_She packed her stuff on the sink angrily. Hope hadn’t given her a choice. She’d never given her a choice. This had always been on her timetable. Up to her. Decided by her. Kelley was done with it. This was now the only way. It was all she had left._

_Kelley opened the door to the bathroom to see Hope lying in bed watching her. Kelley shook her head as she walked across the room to her suitcase. She dumped her toiletries in it carelessly and quickly changed with her back to Hope. She could feel her stare on her back. It just fed Kelley’s anger._

_She began packing her suitcase aggressively, hastily throwing everything in, secretly hoping it would all fit the first time. “What are you doing?” Hope asked quietly. Kelley was pretty sure she knew the answer._

_“Leaving,” Kelley replied shortly._

_“Kell,” Hope’s voice broke on her name._

_This just infuriated her further. She refused to answer and crossed the room to grab her shoes. She slammed her feet into them quickly, making a point not to look at Hope. She returned to her suitcase with her remaining belongings and shoved them in. She slammed the lid shut. “Kell,” Hope tried again. “Talk to me.”_

_Kelley finished zipping up her suitcase and whirled on Hope. She could barely control her volume as she pointed at her and snarled, “No! Don’t say my name like that. This is not my fault.”_

_Hope sat up slowly. Kelley could see the unshed tears in her eyes. She clenched her jaw, her heart waging a silent war with her resolve. She would not let Hope talk her out of this. It was actions or nothing. “Don’t leave. Not like this,” Hope whispered. It was a statement, not a plea. And that was the problem._

_“This is the only way. You won’t leave him. You won’t be with me. You won’t fight for me and when I walk out of here, you won’t follow me. You never have, which means you never will. I love you. I’ve loved you for years, but you won’t choose me. So I get to make the choice now. I’m choosing me, not us. We’re done. I’m done,” Kelley shouted, all of the anger and frustration she’d felt over the last four years pouring into her words._

_Hope looked down at the spot where Kelley had laid earlier. It was as if Kelley had already left and wasn’t still standing in the room, giving her a chance to prove her wrong. Hope’s voice was thick when she finally answered, “I can’t. I can’t choose you right now.”_

_“Bullshit! You won’t choose me. Won’t! Not can’t. Won’t,” Kelley exploded. She grabbed her suitcase and pulled it up by the handle._

_“I love you Kelley,” Hope said in resignation. It was a goodbye. Kelley could feel it. She’d been right, Hope would never fight for her._

_“Well that’s just not enough is it?” Kelley asked quietly. Hope looked up and met Kelley’s eyes. The pain in her eyes betraying the clench of her jaw. Kelley shook her head and turned toward the door. “Goodbye Hope,” she said as she walked out._

_The door closed behind her and she paused for a second, begging the universe to hear footsteps behind the door. None came. She began the slow walk to the elevator, hoping she was wrong, that hope waning with each step. Her lip trembled as she pushed the elevator button. She fought it off as she watched the floors tick downward toward hers. The doors finally opened and she stepped in, the weight of her heartbreak finally taking hold. She broke down as the elevator doors shut with finality._


	6. All Too Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley has lunch with Hope and Pinoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I know it's long gone,  
> And that magic's not here no more,  
> And I might be okay,  
> But I'm not fine at all.  
> \- All To Well by Taylor Swift

            Hope sat down at the round table next to Pinoe. Pinoe looked up at her with a smirk, “Is it time for one of those talks?”

            Hope rolled her eyes, but responded quickly, “No, can’t I just sit next to you?”

            “Yes, when you want something,” Pinoe replied.

            “Oh my god Megan, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much that I can’t eat my lunch without you. Please let me sit with you, please!” Hope begged sarcastically, even going so far as to clasp her hands in front of her.

            Pinoe scoffed, “Not with that attitude.” Hope laughed and shook her head, turning toward her plate. “I really love it when you get all sarcastic. It’s my favorite Hope.”

            “Shut up,” Hope replied through a mouthful of salad.

            Pinoe chuckled quietly and turned back to her plate. “So you’re here to talk aren’t you?” she asked seriously.

            “Yeah, she came by my office yesterday. I almost fucked it up,” Hope admitted.

            Pinoe turned toward her, eyebrow raised, “But you somehow didn’t fuck it up?”

            “Still undecided,” Hope muttered.

            “What happened?” Pinoe asked quietly.

            Hope looked around the nearly empty room. The lunch break had just begun and the room was mostly empty. Hope shook her head and said, “I’ll give you the abridged version and then we can talk about it more later. She passed by my door yesterday after her press conference then returned later so we could talk. She said she wanted to get it out of the way. I was my usual idiot self and stumbled over the whole conversation. Somehow it came out ok and she asked if she could watch film with me.”

            “Well you must have done something right then,” Pinoe replied supportively.

            “I apologized,” Hope said quietly.

            “Wait, what? I’m sorry, I didn’t quite… did you say you apologized?” Pinoe asked in mock surprise.

            Hope smacked her on the arm, “I swear to fucking god Megan!”

            “Am I interrupting something?” Kelley asked earnestly. She had approached their table while Hope was busy whacking Pinoe, plate in hand, slightly nervous look on her face.

            “No, of course not. Hope just doesn’t appreciate me like she should. Want to sit with us?” Pinoe asked, gesturing to the empty seats at the round table.

            “Yeah, is that cool?” she inquired, looking right at Hope.

            Hope swallowed the bite she had shoveled into her mouth upon Kelley’s approach and nodded emphatically, “Yeah of course. You’re always welcome.”

            Pinoe fixed her with a knowing look and Hope shot daggers at her in return while Kelley sat down at the table across from her. Pinoe turned her attention to Kelley, “So did you just miss me too or are you not ready to mingle with your new teammates yet?”

            “Both?” Kelley responded simply before taking a drink out of her water bottle.

            Pinoe laughed in response, “Ok, fair enough. How bad’s the jetlag?”

            “Fucking horrible, no preparation. I got on a plane about 48 hours after I found out. I packed only the necessities and now home is a hotel. I’m a mess. You guys will forgive me. I don’t want everybody to see this shit,” Kelley admitted.

            “Well you of course are welcome to sit with us, but be forewarned, Pinoe is sassy today,” Hope responded with what she hoped was a welcoming smile.

            Pinoe laughed, “Only to you Solo. I like Kelley more.”

            “Whatever,” Hope muttered, rolling her eyes.

            Kelley laughed, “Oh the banter of long established teammates. Just like the old days.”

            Hope swallowed thickly and met Kelley’s eyes. She wasn’t sure at first if Kelley had realized what she’d insinuated, but she found Kelley’s eyes awaiting hers. Kelley bit her lip before smiling shyly at Hope.

            Pinoe cleared her throat in a clear effort to cut the tension, “Hey so hotel living sucks. Want to stay with me and Sera until you can find a place?”

            Kelley tore her eyes away from Hope and lit up with excitement, “Really?”

            “Yes really! We have an extra bedroom and Sera loves company. We’d love to have you. Provided you don’t stay for like three years,” Pinoe replied with a smile.

            “Oh my god, yes! Thank you! I can’t take any more time in a hotel,” Kelley exclaimed happily.

            “No problem! Hey what are you doing about your stuff?” Pinoe asked conversationally.

            Kelley blew out a long breath and shook her head, “Well thankfully most of my shit just lives at my parent’s house year round, but my clothes and stuff are at my girlfriend’s apartment in Chicago. Looking at our schedule, I probably won’t get back there for at least three weeks. I grabbed what I could, but it was only the basics. I’m going to have to go back there and deal with my car and the rest of my life.”

            “Oh dude, you were living with your girlfriend. That sucks!” Pinoe said, glancing at Hope briefly.

            Hope shoved another bite of salad into her mouth and nodded in agreement. She arranged her face, hoping it looked sympathetic and not disappointed. Hope warred with herself, trying desperately to push away the feelings of jealousy that had sprouted at Kelley’s confession. Hope knew she had no right to be jealous or have any opinion whatsoever, so she shoved in another mouthful of salad just to make sure her face wasn’t betraying her. _Fucking stop it right now!_ she chided herself.

            Kelley stole a surprisingly guilty and apologetic look at Hope before turning back to Pinoe, “Yeah, I’m trying to convince her to pack some of my shit and send it to me, but it’s not working. She’s incredibly busy.”

            “Oh yeah? What’s she do?” Pinoe asked, genuinely interested.

            “Attorney. And a pretty good one. She works a lot. We met at a fundraiser last year,” Kelley explained.

            “And you live with her?” Pinoe inquired.

            “Yeah, my lease was up and I was staying at her place all the time anyway. We’ve been together almost a year,” Kelley replied conversationally, no longer looking at Hope, for which Hope was eternally grateful. She didn’t expect this reaction to the news Kelley was taken. In fact, she hadn’t even considered that Kelley might be seeing someone.

            _You’re a fucking idiot,_ she accused herself. _Of course she has a girlfriend. Why the hell wouldn’t she have a girlfriend? She’s Kelley. Everyone loves Kelley._

Hope tried to follow the conversation between Kelley and Pinoe, but she found herself continually distracted by the jealous twangs in her stomach.

            _I cannot fucking believe I’m reacting this way. Jesus Christ, get it together. I’m not allowed to be jealous of her girlfriend. Don’t be an asshole. She’s allowed to be happy. I need to be happy for her. It’s just been an emotional few days. Get it together._

            Hope tuned back into the conversation in time to see Pinoe push back from the table. Hope looked at her quizzically.

            “I need to take my old lady body down to the trainer before practice. Everything creaks nowadays,” Pinoe said, grabbing her plate from the table.

            Hope rolled her eyes, “Oh my god, you’re pushing 35. Holy shit, how has your body held up this long?”

            “Better than pushing 40 loser!” Pinoe teased and walked away from the table.

            Hope speared the last piece of lettuce from her salad and shoved it in her mouth, “Asshole,” she muttered at the retreating midfielder.

            Kelley laughed at Hope’s retort and admitted, “I hope I look that good when I’m pushing 40.”

            Hope froze mid chew and looked up at Kelley with wide eyes. Kelley at least had the good sense to look slightly flushed with embarrassment. Hope swallowed thickly. “Thanks?” she squeaked.

            Kelley laughed and her blush deepened. _Oh shit, was she just flirting with me or was it just an offhand comment? Why the fuck does this have to be so complicated?_ Hope asked herself.

            “You’re welcome,” Kelley sputtered, standing up quickly. She cleared her throat and continued, “I, um, I better go. I need the trainer to wrap my ankle.”

            “That’s what happens when you hit the other side of 30,” Hope warned, trying to ease the tension.

            Kelley snorted, “Yeah right! 26 was the decline. It’s been all downhill ever since.”

            Hope shrugged in agreement and stood up. “See ya on the pitch,” she said with what she hoped was a warm smile.

            Kelley returned it with one of her own. “See ya,” she said as she walked away.

***

            Hope watched Kelley as she scrimmaged with the other forwards. Hope marveled in her quickness and instincts. Kelley hadn’t lost a step, but she’d gain experience. She could literally play anywhere and understood the game on a level unreached by most. Hope smiled as Kelley put one in the corner of the net.

            Pinoe jogged over and stood next to her, following her gaze. “You’re staring,” she said simply.

            Hope rolled her eyes, “I’m watching our newest forward. One I put my reputation on the line for.”

            Pinoe scoffed, “They were going to take her anyway. Don’t be dramatic!”

            “Fine,” Hope relented crossing her arms.

            “Ok, whatever, we’ll play it your way. What do you see?” Pinoe asked innocently.

            Hope thought about that for a while, watching Kelley fight for a ball. Finally she said, “The one that got away.”


	7. Love You in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope and Kelley's last night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't love you in the dark  
> It feels like we're oceans apart  
> There is so much space between us  
> Maybe we're already defeated  
>  \- Love You in the Dark by Adele

_August 2016_

_Kelley swallowed thickly and snuggled closer to Hope. She hated that they both knew it was their last night together and they were silently refusing to acknowledge it. She hated that she was here again, in bed with Hope, in love with Hope, with Hope, but so far apart. She wanted nothing more than to wake up tomorrow and go home knowing that this wasn’t over. Again. But Kelley had been here enough times to realize that would never happen. Hope wouldn’t let it happen. She never had and she never would. And Kelley hated herself for allowing it._

_She lifted her head in the dark and kissed the corner of Hope’s mouth. Hope shifted slightly and met Kelley’s mouth with her own. It felt like a last kiss, a goodbye kiss, in its sweetness and simplicity. Kelley felt her lower lip start to tremble against Hope’s and pulled away quickly._

_“Kell?” Hope whispered against her lips, unable to keep the trepidation out of her voice._

_Kelley took a shuddering breath. She knew that Hope knew what was coming. She tried to hold it in, let the night just play out. She blinked away the sudden moisture in her eyes._

_“Kell,” Hope prompted again, somewhat hesitantly. “Talk to me.”_

_“You don’t want that,” Kelley whispered, her voice thick and broken._

_“Kell,” Hope sighed and pulled away slightly. Kelley rolled onto her back, creating more space between them, and stared up at the dark ceiling. Hope was still beside her, almost as if she was holding her breath._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” Kelley told her quietly._

_Hope let out a long breath before responding, “Kell-”_

_“Please stop saying my name like that,” Kelley interrupted._

_“I’m sorry,” Hope apologized. It seemed to hold more weight, as if she was apologizing not only for this offense, but for everything else in their past._

_Kelley swallowed back all of the biting responses threatening to fly free. She knew they would just cause more damage and she didn’t want to fight with Hope tonight. She took a deep breath and pushed her anger back down. “I love you,” she said finally._

_Kelley heard Hope’s intake of breath, but cut her off before she could ruin the sentiment. “Don’t. Just let me say this,” she whispered, turning back to Hope. Hope met her eyes and nodded. Kelley blinked back tears again and continued, “I love you. I love you when we are together and I keep loving you when we’re not. And I think I’m beginning to hate it. I hate this. I hate this thing we do. It kills me every time because I end up being more in love with you every time. And every time, we go home apart. I just can’t do this anymore.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Hope whispered._

_A soft laugh escaped from Kelley’s lips and Hope looked as if Kelley had slapped her. She rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. Kelley waited until the silence became unbearable and asked, “Do you love me Hope?”_

_“How can you even ask me that?” Hope replied, anger lacing her tone._

_“That’s not an answer,” Kelley pointed out, her defenses automatically rising._

_“Yes,” Hope finally relented._

_“That’s not very convincing,” Kelley responded sarcastically._

_Hope sighed, “I do love you. And for the record, I hate this too.”_

_“Then why are we doing this? Why can’t we just be together?” Kelley asked, her anger rising again._

_“Because it’s complicated,” Hope said quietly._

_“Why Hope? Why is it complicated? Because you’re married? Because everybody thinks you’re straight? Because you don’t want anyone to know? Why won’t you fight for us?” Kelley replied furiously, sitting up in bed and staring down Hope._

_“I wish it was simple. I wish we could just be together and none of the rest mattered, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I thought you knew that,” Hope admitted, looking up at Kelley with her jaw set._

_“But why? Why is it complicated? It doesn’t have to be,” Kelley replied, her voice breaking with the frustrated tears that fell from her eyes._

_“It just is. Because I’m still married, because I’m me. I’m a mess. You know I’m a mess. That’s not fair to you. I want to be better for you, but I can’t right now. I don’t know if I can ever,” Hope responded, sitting up._

_Kelley’s heart broke at the tears welling in Hope’s eyes. She scooted closer to her and tentatively wiped away the moisture from Hope’s cheeks. Hope looked at her, a silent plea in her eyes. “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me,” Kelley whispered._

_“But it matters to me. I’ll hurt you. I have hurt you. I just don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Hope replied, her voice thick._

_Kelley looked away, knowing that Hope was right. She had hurt Kelley. Over and over she’d broken Kelley’s heart. And Kelley had let her. Now Hope was doing the same thing she always did because she didn’t want to hurt Kelley. The irony was not lost on Kelley. She bit back the anger that threatened again and said, “I know. I just wish it was different.”_

_“So do I,” Hope whispered sadly._

_Kelley sighed and closed the gap between them. She brushed her lips against Hope’s, as if asking her to take the final leap, to fight for them. Kelley felt Hope swallow and relent, softly meeting her lips, but she was holding back. Kelley could feel the regret and sadness rolling off Hope in waves. She pulled away slowly, not knowing this would be their last kiss, but somehow feeling the finality of it all the same._

_She wrapped the older woman in her arms and pulled her back against the pillows. She kissed her forehead and felt Hope take a shuddering breath against her. She rested her head on top of Hope’s, tears spilling into Hope’s hair, as Hope returned Kelley’s embrace. There was nothing more to say._

_Kelley felt her heart breaking as she thought about what tomorrow might bring. She’d go home alone, again. Her heart broken, again. Without Hope, again._

_Without hope._

_Again._


	8. I Never Told You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley seeks Hope out after practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But I never told you  
> What I should have said  
> No, I never told you  
> I just held it in  
>  \- I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat

            Kelley could hear the thud of the ball against the turf from deep within the tunnel. As she got closer to the pitch, she smiled in spite of herself. Curiosity had led her down here and the sound of the ball coming off Hope’s foot and sailing the length of the pitch was unmistakable. It immediately took her back. She stopped short and took a deep breath. _What am I doing?_ She asked herself.

            It was a question she had been asking herself with increased frequency. It popped into her mind when she chose to sit with Hope and Pinoe at meals, when she looked Hope’s direction in meetings, when she found herself laughing at Hope’s self-deprecating humor. There was something about this Hope that pulled her in and made her want to dig deeper. Because this Hope was different somehow. It wasn’t something Kelley could quite put her finger on, but it was absolutely there. Something in the way she smiled, something in the way she talked, something in the set of her shoulders. Kelley would never admit it to Hope, but it was as if she was a little softer somehow. More relaxed, happier, like the weight of the world was finally off her shoulders.

            Kelley hesitated at the mouth of the tunnel. She found herself staring at Hope as she booted the ball the length of the field. Watching Hope was an old habit and old habits died hard. Kelley always loved the raw power that Hope wielded. On the field, off the field, over Kelley’s heart. Kelley let out a deep sigh. She knew she shouldn’t be thinking so much about Hope. The pull of Hope’s current had always been too powerful for Kelley to stay afloat. Kelley knew she was flirting with danger.

            _What am I thinking? You’re a fucking idiot Kelley. Walk away._

            “Shut up,” she muttered to herself as took a stride out of the tunnel. She swallowed hard and felt her pulse speed up. She set her bag down on the sideline and put her hands in her pockets casually.

            “I wondered if you still did this,” she called out as she neared Hope.

            Hope looked up from placing the ball on the line and smiled up at Kelley. “Yeah, well you know, habits and all.”

            Kelley smiled, mostly to Hope, but also to herself. She’d been right about Hope carrying on her after practice tradition even in retirement. She was pleased with herself that she still knew this new Hope. “Mind if I join you?” Kelley asked.

            “Not at all,” Hope replied and passed her a few balls. Kelley set one up on the goal kick line and backed up a few steps. She flashed Hope a toothy grin and nodded. They ran up on their respective balls together and sent them sailing into the night. Hope’s quickly gained more height than Kelley’s and landed much further down the field. Kelley’s made an impressive attempt with its roll, but ultimately stopped short.

            Hope smiled as hers stayed true and finally came to a rest at the back of the net on the other side of the field. She turned to Kelley and said, “You must be good luck. That’s my first one of the night.”

            Kelley shrugged and watched Hope set another ball on the line. She held in her question until Hope had swiftly booted the ball down the field. This one rolled wide right. Kelley swallowed and softly asked, “Do you ever miss it?”

            Hope paused as she placed another ball on the line. She looked down the length of the field and answered, “Every day.”

            “Then why?” Kelley burst out. The question she’d wanted to ask for three years could no longer be deterred. “Why’d you quit?”

            “I didn’t quit,” Hope turned to her with her hands on her hips, “I retired.”

            “You know what I mean. Why did you walk away?” Kelley asked. She cringed inwardly at the double meaning, but tried to keep it off of her face.

            The insinuation didn’t appear to be lost on Hope. She sighed and tilted her head to the sky. “I _retired_ ,” she said pointedly, “because it was time. It was past time actually. My body couldn’t take it anymore, even though all I wanted to do was play. My knee was never the same after the World Cup. I’d lost a step and it had gotten harder and harder to stay healthy. During the Olympics, my shoulder started bothering me again and after the tournament, I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

            “But you’re you. You could have,” Kelley insisted.

            “Yeah maybe,” Hope agreed noncommittally. She met Kelley’s eyes, with a flicker of regret. “But it was time. I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore.”

            A thought struck Kelley suddenly. She blinked back the tendrils of anger that threatened to resurface. “Did you know before? Had you decided before Rio?”

            Hope looked toward the opposite goal again. She took a long breath and held in in. Kelley waited, already knowing the answer, already knowing what her own response would be. Hope finally turned back to her. Her shoulders deflated a little as she quietly answered, “Yes.”

            “Goddamn it Hope! Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me believe you quit because of us?” Kelley shouted, throwing her hands in the air. The old anger flared briefly and Kelley pushed it away. She took a deep breath and interlaced her fingers behind her neck. She looked at Hope apologetically.

            Hope licked her bottom lip and replied, “I’m sorry Kelley.”

            Kelley nodded. Her anger was once again at bay, but Hope hadn’t answered her questions. “You could have just told me. All this time a part of me thought it was about us. That you left because of us. The rest of me knew that wasn’t true, that you’d never do that, but the timing, you know? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

            Hope put her hands in her pockets and looked at the ground. Kelley bit back the tears that threatened and took a shaky breath while she waited. No longer did Hope look like the imposing goalkeeper who intimidated opposing players. She looked like a woman who was constantly haunted by her former lives, by her past, by her demons. Kelley’s heart broke for this woman, this version of Hope. The side she’d rarely shared.

            “I was a mess that’s why. I needed it all to be over. I needed to start fresh. And it all happened at once. I’d kicked him out, told him we were getting a divorce, decided to retire, and then you. I was so messed up. I knew I couldn’t…” she trailed off. After a long pause she said, “It wasn’t about him. Or us. It was just time.”

            Kelley tilted her head in confusion, replaying Hope’s words. She knotted her eyebrows together and took a quick breath, understanding, but not believing. “And then me?” she asked. “When did you leave him?”

            Hope swallowed noticeably and met Kelley’s eyes. “Before I left for Rio. I told him he needed to be out by the time I got home.”

            “That’s why he wasn’t there?” Kelley asked simply.

            “Yes,” Hope answered, nodding her head and pursing her lips.

            Kelley nodded absently and looked off into the distance. Hope had left him. She’d left him before Rio. Before their last goodbye. Before Kelley had ended whatever they were. _And she didn’t fucking tell me._

            Kelley was fuming as she turned her back on Hope and walked toward the locker room tunnel. She grabbed her bag on the way and aggressively threw the strap over her shoulder. The old anger died away and was replaced by a fresh hurt.

            _She was single. We could have been together. But she didn’t tell me. She didn’t tell me. She just let me go. Why didn’t she fucking tell me?_

Kelley was too wrapped up in her thoughts to hear the footsteps behind her. “Kell,” Hope said desperately as she grabbed Kelley’s arm.

            “Don’t,” Kelley shook her off and spun around. “Don’t. I just- I just need- Just don’t.”

            Hope took a step back. Her hands hung loosely at her sides, pain and regret apparent in her eyes. “Kell…” she started softly.

            “Don’t, please don’t,” Kelley begged her. The way she’d said her name. Kelley had always been helpless for the way Hope said her name.

            “I’m so so-“ she tried again, holding out her hands in defeat.

            “Stop! Just stop apologizing. It’s done. It’s been done. I just need some time ok,” Kelley interrupted.

            “Ok,” Hope replied quietly. She bit her lip and put her hands in her pockets.

            Kelley nodded and turned back toward the tunnel. She could feel Hope watching her walk away. Kelley had always wanted Hope to follow her and now that she had, Kelley wished she hadn’t. It had only made it worse.


	9. Back to the Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley stops by to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me your secrets  
> And ask me your questions  
> Oh, let's go back to the start  
> \- The Scientist by Coldplay

            Hope sighed through her nose as she put the bookmark in her book and closed it in resignation. She’d read the same paragraph over and over, her thoughts constantly drifting back to her conversation with Kelley the previous evening. She stared at the flames in the fireplace and allowed her thoughts to fully take over.

            She’d fucked up again. But it was an old fuck up. One she’d known would come out eventually. At the time her motivation had been clear to her. She hadn’t told Kelley about her break up with Jerramy because she wasn’t sure it would stick at the time. She’d told him it was over almost on a whim, in the middle of packing for Rio. She’d turned to him as she stuffed her warm ups in her suitcase and told him she didn’t want him to come. When he’d protested, she had followed up with, “This is over. I want a divorce and I want you gone when I get back.”

            They’d fought all night, but Hope had been resolute in her decision. She just hadn’t known what it would be like when she returned to Seattle. So she’d told no one, not even Carli. Everyone had bought the line that Hope was pulling a Carli and wanted everyone to stay home. Guilt had plagued her each time she touched Kelley, kissed Kelley, held Kelley. It was on the tip of her tongue. All of her secrets had been on the tip of her tongue that week, but willpower had won out and she’d paid for it many times over.

            Hope wiped at the sudden moisture in her eyes and shook off the emotion rising in her throat. She hated thinking about that version of herself. The one that had hurt everyone she loved. The one that constantly fucked up. The one that was a complete mess. But she knew that this new Hope wouldn’t exist without the messy Hope. This new Hope had risen from the ashes of the world the old Hope had burnt down.

            This new Hope regretted nothing more than what she’d done to Kelley. The old Hope had used Kelley over and over. The old Hope had welcomed Kelley as a distraction then cast her aside when it was time to go back to the real world. The old Hope had broken Kelley’s heart again and again. But the old Hope had broken her own heart too. The old Hope had let Kelley push her away. The old Hope hadn’t run after her, hadn’t fought for her, for them, for herself. The old Hope dealt in misery. The new Hope hated her for it.

            Hope swallowed thickly and picked up her phone to text Carli. Before she could press send, her doorbell rang. Hope frowned to herself and set her phone on the coffee table. She threw the blanket off her lap and padded to the entryway. Her eyebrows knit together as she viewed the small, distorted shape through the tempered glass of the front door. Her heart stopped as she opened the door to reveal Kelley standing on her porch.

            “Hi,” Kelley greeted her with a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

            “Uh, hey. What are you doing here?” Hope asked quickly without thinking. The shock of finding Kelley on her front porch apparently caused her manners to allude her.

            “Um, so I thought we should talk. For real this time. I brought wine,” she answered, holding up the bottle. “Can I come it?”

            “Oh god, yeah, I’m sorry, come in please,” Hope said, stumbling over her words. She opened the door, allowing Kelley to slip by her into the house. She closed the door and took mental stock of her appearance, hoping she looked at least presentable. She swallowed nervously. _Get your shit together Solo._ She wasn’t ready for this kind of a conversation. Especially after all of the thinking, and almost crying, she’d done in the last half hour.

            Kelley had stopped to take in the large open space that was Hope’s living room and kitchen. Her eyes were wide as she turned back to Hope, “Dude, your house. Wow.”

            Hope chuckled, “It’s alright I guess. Here, let me take the wine. We can sit at the table if you want.” Hope gestured to the kitchen table, which was mostly clear of clutter and Kelley handed over the wine.

            Kelley continued to examine Hope’s house in awe as Hope moved into the kitchen and went about opening the wine. Hope tried to steady herself as she pulled out the bottle opener and two stemmed wine glasses. She knew she shouldn’t be nervous and that this talk was probably a good thing, but she couldn’t keep her heart from hammering in her chest. She took a deep calming breath as she pulled the foil off the bottle. She paused to examine the bottle before applying the opener, “Kell, this is a really good bottle of wine. You have excellent taste.”

            Kelley laughed, “Yeah no. I stole it from Pinoe. She has a wine cellar; you know that?”

            Hope smirked, “Yeah I’ve heard. Well, Pinoe does have good taste. Way to swipe a good one!” She poured two glasses and willed her hands to stay steady as she set one in front of Kelley and then took a seat across from her at the table.

            Kelley thanked her and raised her glass, “Fortune favors the bold and all that.”

            Hope smiled and clinked her glass against Kelley’s. “Forever may it reign,” she replied.

            They both took a drink and Kelley leaned back in her chair. She fiddled with the stem of her wine glass before saying, “I’m sorry I got so upset yesterday. All that stuff happened a long time ago and we should be able to talk about it like adults. I figured we should get it all out and then it’s done.”

            Hope nodded and examined her own wine glass, “I’m sorry.”

            Kelley huffed a sigh through her nose, “Hope?” Hope raised her eyes to meet Kelley’s. Kelley slightly exasperated look made Hope want to smile, but she held it in. “Please stop apologizing. It was a long time ago. You said stuff, I said stuff. We both have things to apologize for. You’ve done your apologizing, a couple of times over. It’s my turn.”

            Hope shook her head, “You have nothing to apologize for.”

            “Yes, actually I do. If we really are going to move past all this, you have to stop arguing with me,” Kelley told her. Hope smiled slightly and nodded her acquiescence. Kelley paused before continuing, “I asked a lot of you back then. A lot that you couldn’t give me. I knew what I was getting into and I knew that every time I was getting into it that it was only temporary. It’s my own fault that I let myself have feelings for you. That was on me. I’m sorry that I pushed you in Rio. I’m sorry that I pushed you to fight for me when you couldn’t. I realized that last night. That you couldn’t fight for us then. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it.”

            Hope sighed and nodded. Kelley looked at the table, eyebrows crinkled unsurely. Hope took a sip of wine and studied Kelley. “Kell?” she prompted quietly. Kelley looked up and met Hope’s eyes. The amount of emotion in Kelley’s eyes stopped her short. She pulled in a deep breath and continued, “Kell, I really am sorry. I treated you so unfairly and I hate myself for it. There’s so much I should have done differently. So much I should have said. I was such a mess then. I broke everything. I hurt everyone. I hurt you over and over and I knew it. You didn’t deserve that. I never deserved you, honestly. I was horrible to you.”

            “Stop, it wasn’t really like that. If you really were the kind of asshole you are making yourself out to be then I wouldn’t have been with you in the first place,” Kelley scolded, tilting her head to the side. “If I say you are forgiven will you please stop apologizing?”

            “No, probably not,” Hope smirked into her wine glass.

            “There she is,” Kelley said with a genuine smile. Her eyes twinkled with mirth as she shook her head and huffed a laugh through her nose.

            “Excuse me?” Hope asked, confusion taking over her features.

            “There she is. The old Hope. The smartass one I’ve known a long time,” Kelley replied, still smiling smugly.

            Hope’s face fell and she looked away. She shook her head slightly before answering, “I’ve been thinking a lot about the old Hope lately. I kinda hate her sometimes.”

            “I don’t,” Kelley said simply. Hope met her eyes and raised her eyebrows in question. Kelley sat up in her chair and leaned forward onto her elbows. “I don’t. And I don’t really think we can be old and new versions of ourselves. We are only us. We change all the time. It’s always a gradual change, even if we make rash decisions. The decisions had to come from somewhere. You are different now though, but so am I. We couldn’t have had this kind of conversation then. But now we can and I’m glad we are.”

            “Me too,” Hope admitted.

            “Good. So, let’s talk about last night. Why didn’t you tell me you broke up with him? Actually, no, let’s go back to the start. Before Rio. What happened?” Kelley asked.

            “The long version or the short version?” Hope countered.

            “Whichever version will help me understand,” Kelley responded, eyebrows raised in challenge.

            “Ok,” Hope sighed and shifted in her chair. “The week before we headed down there we were fighting all of the time. He wanted to come and I realized at some point I didn’t want him to. I’d been thinking so much about retiring and starting over that in the middle of packing I turned to him and told him I didn’t want him to come. And then I told him I wanted a divorce. He went ballistic. It’s fair to say that he didn’t see it coming. We fought all night, but he couldn’t get me to change my mind. So I left for Rio telling him he better not be there when I got back and knowing that it was the last tournament I’d ever play in.”

            “Wow,” Kelley breathed quietly. “Is that why you were all distant at first?”

            Hope nodded and sipped from her glass. She set it down gently and continued, “Yeah, it was the beginning of the end of so many things. I didn’t want to pull everyone else into my spiral, so I just stayed focused on the tournament. But you guys, well mostly you and Carli, but everybody… you guys made me want to celebrate the end of my career. So after a few days I did. And I’m happy I did. I don’t regret going out after the Olympics. My only regret is how it happened. I had a great career and I knew when it was over.”

            “Mm,” Kelley said noncommittally. “And us?”

            “Mm, yeah. Well I tried at first to stay away,” Hope said with a smirk. Kelley kicked her playfully under the table. “Hey!” she exclaimed, but she returned Kelley’s smile. “But seriously, I knew I had to let you go too. I just felt like the whole thing was a turning point. The end of an era so to speak. I felt like if I tried to keep you at a distance, then when the tournament was over, everything would be over and it would be easier. But… well…,” Hope shrugged.

            “Are you saying I couldn’t stay away from you?” Kelley asked with mock offense. Hope nodded vigorously. “How dare you?” Kelley teased.

            Hope shrugged, welcoming Kelley’s attempt at levity. “You know what you did,” she shot back.

            Kelley fought back a smirk as her cheeks took on a faint pink tinge. Hope laughed in response. Kelley cleared her throat and took a healthy sip of wine. She cast her eyes around the room and said, “Uh, yeah, anyway.”

            “Anyway,” Hope saved her. “Let’s just say that plan failed. And then…,” she paused and swallowed the emotion rising in her chest. “And then suddenly it was our last night and I knew that was it. That everything was really and truly over. My career, my marriage, our… us. But you pushed me to fight for you and I knew that I couldn’t. At the time I didn’t see any way that I could start over with everything else and keep you. I thought that the only way to get to the new Hope was to burn everything else down.” She looked away as her eyes welled up with unshed tears. She blinked them away, willing the emotions to stay in the past where they belonged.

            “I just-“ Kelley started thickly. Hope turned her eyes back to Kelley, somewhat surprised to see she was struggling as much as Hope. Kelley took a deep breath and continued, “I just wish you would have talked to me. I could have helped. I could have helped you see that it didn’t have to be like that.”

            Hope smiled faintly and sniffed. She discreetly wiped at her eyes as Kelley took another sip of wine. The silence settled over them as they were momentarily lost in their own thoughts. It pained her to know that Kelley was right. Kelley could have helped her find a way to limit the damage, but the old Hope couldn’t see that. That Hope could only see destruction in her future. Now looking back, this Hope knew that it didn’t have to be that way. She could have still made it here without tearing everything down.

            “I’m sor-“ Hope started, but stopped suddenly when Kelley cut her off with a look. Hope nodded and rolled her eyes slightly. “Ok, fine. You’re right. If I had talked to you, we may have been able to figure it out together. But I really couldn’t see that then. I was convinced that I had to let everything go to start over. That’s why I kind of hate her. There was a lot she couldn’t see.”

            Kelley tilted her head and studied Hope, “You really are different now. I mean, you’re still Hope Solo, sarcastic self-deprecator and general badass, but there’s something different about you. I just can’t quite figure out what it is.”

            “Hm, well, I hope it’s not some crap about how I’m going soft,” Hope teased, with a less than subtle smirk.

            “Hey you said that! I didn’t! Do you have some kind of complex about it because for crying out loud woman, you look fantastic… for someone so old,” Kelley retorted with a laugh.

            “Hey! That’s so fucked up!” Hope exclaimed with a laugh of her own. It was her turn to lightly kick Kelley under the table. The forward anticipated the swipe and shifted her legs out of the way with a giggle.

            “So, um,” Kelley started after their laughter had died down. She toyed with the stem of her glass again, almost as if it was a nervous gesture. “We’re, um, never really going to get all of this out are we?”

            Hope shook her head and replied simply, “No, probably not.”

            Kelley nodded in resignation and blew out a long breath. She met Hope’s eyes and shrugged, “Well it was worth a shot. At least I understand a little better now.”

            “Me too,” Hope admitted.

            “So, we cool now? I promise not to go storming off every time you tell me something from now on,” Kelley said.

            “Yep we are cool. And I promise not to apologize profusely unless it’s completely warranted,” Hope responded with what she hoped was a look of innocence.

            The joke was not lost on Kelley and she smiled. “Deal?” she asked as she stuck her hand over the middle of the table.

            “Deal,” Hope replied, gripping Kelley’s hand with her own. They shook firmly and then both quickly let go, realizing that was the first time they had touched in a very long time. Hope tried her best to ignore the sudden increase in her heartrate and ghost of Kelley’s grip in her hand. “So, um, want to stay for dinner? I’m making pasta and I have plenty of sauce. We could catch up and, you know, talk about stuff far less serious than our last few conversations.”

            “Um,” Kelley paused and then smiled. “Not gonna lie, I’ve been smelling that sauce this whole time, hoping for an invite!”

            Hope laughed heartedly. “Well good. Now come on, we have work to do,” Hope got up from the table and motioned for Kelley to follow her into the kitchen.

            “Awesome! I needed a refill anyway,” Kelley jumped up from the table and brought her glass to the counter. She smiled at Hope as she held her glass up to the bottle. Hope carefully refilled Kelley’s glass and then her own. She then pulled a cutting board out of a cabinet and handed Kelley a knife from the block.

            “Veggies are in the fridge. You’re on salad duty,” Hope told her with a nod toward the fridge.

            “Ma’am, yes ma’am!” Kelley saluted her and then went about pulling vegetables from the refrigerator.

            Hope smiled to herself as she went about boiling water for pasta. They fell into a comfortable silence, cooking and drinking. Hope wasn’t sure they’d ever been alone like this before. Their entire affair, in all of its parts, had been a blur of stolen moments in hotel corners, shared beds, and furtive glances from across the room. Domestication had never been part of their romance.

            She stole a glance in Kelley’s direction. She was humming to herself as she cut tomatoes, her muscular shoulders hunched over the cutting board in concentration. Hope took a sip of wine and continued to watch her, mesmerized by the younger woman’s knife skills. She stopped suddenly and looked over her shoulder at Hope. “What?” she asked self-consciously.

            “Nothing!” Hope exclaimed, shrugging lamely, but quickly recovering. “Alex always said you were a good cook and I was just marveling at your knife skills.”

            Kelley’s cheek’s pinked at the compliment and waved it off, “Yeah well, it’s a prerequisite in the south. I’ve still got a few hidden talents Solo.”

            It was Hope’s turn to blush as the words caught her off guard. “Carry on then,” she squeaked out and spun back around. They fell into a rhythm of cooking and chatting. Hope found herself genuinely laughing at Kelley’s jokes and smiling as Kelley laughed at her own. She couldn’t help herself from stealing glances in Kelley’s direction every chance she got.

            “What?” Kelley asked at one point, having caught Hope staring again.

            Hope swallowed thickly. “I’m really glad you decided to come by tonight,” she told her.

            Kelley smiled widely and answered, “Me too.”

            Hope nodded and turned back to plating the pasta. She took a deep breath to steady her heart, which she could suddenly feel thumping wildly in her chest. Whatever this was felt like something new, something different. And Hope couldn’t decide if it was terrifying in a good way or a bad way.


	10. Can't Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley travels back to Chicago, but she can't stop thinking about Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop thinking about,  
> thinking about us anymore,  
> I said I can't stop thinking about,  
> thinking about us anymore.  
> \- Can't Stop by OneRepublic

            Kelley leaned her head back against the airplane seat and sighed in annoyance at her phone. Truth be told, the annoyance lied not with the songs on her playlists, but with herself. She wasn’t ready to admit that however, so she took it out on her phone. The issue was that with every song on every playlist she tried her thoughts kept returning to Hope. This song reminded her of something Hope said, that song reminded her of somewhere they went, and another song reminded her of her once broken heart. In Kelley’s opinion, her iTunes had rebelled against her.

            She pulled out her earbuds and stared at the blue morning sky outside of the tiny window. She was finally returning to Chicago to collect the rest of her belongings and try to salvage her relationship with her girlfriend. The first task would be easy, but the salvaging part would be infinitely more difficult. They had been perfect together in Chicago, but their relationship wasn’t standing up well to more than half a country’s worth of space. Jen had slowly been distancing herself and Kelley hadn’t been able to put in the time to fix it. Well, able or willing. She decided this weekend would be a test if they were worth fighting for.

            Every time Kelley set her mind to deciding what to say to Jen, her mind pulled her back to Hope. Kelley’s conversations with her the previous weekend had been intense to say the very least, but they’d also been enlightening. Kelley was beginning to see Hope in a whole new light. Well the old Hope anyway. This new one still defied her understanding at times. The following her after she walked away, the honesty, the domesticity of dinner the other night. All of these moments were unlike anything she’d ever experienced with the old Hope. But with the new Hope, they were natural and unforced. This really was her and it intrigued the hell out of Kelley.

            Old Hope had surprised Kelley many, many times, but this new Hope was herself surprising. Constantly pushing the boundaries of Kelley’s previous perception of her and then suddenly snapping back into the bold, sarcastic Hope Kelley had adored for so long. It was almost like whiplash.

            Kelley could think of one other time when Hope had been so honest with her. It started with the stars and ended with a dare.

***

_August 2012_

_Kelley stumbled out of the stairwell door and onto the rooftop less than gracefully. She heard the door slam behind her and hoped that it was actually unlocked. She surveyed the roof for the missing keeper, swaying slightly as she stood. She found her lying on the rooftop, feet near the ledge of the roof, hands behind her head. She was staring at the stars interwoven with the wispy English clouds._

_“Is this seat taken?” Kelley asked, slowly drawing out her words._

_“Nope,” Hope replied simply, her eyes darting to Kelley as sat down next to her._

_Kelley leaned back onto her elbows and looked over at Hope, “Dude, we’ve been looking all over for you. Have you been up here the whole time?”_

_“Um, yeah, for a while I guess,” Hope replied, eyebrows knitting together. She checked her watch and shrugged, “Ok, a long while.”_

_“We got kinda worried after you disappeared,” Kelley told her._

_“We?” Hope asked simply, eyebrows raised._

_“Ok, me. I was worried about you. Usually you celebrate with us,” Kelley responded, laying down next to Hope. Kelley swallowed thickly as her arm brushed against Hope’s. She suddenly felt a little lightheaded, but she couldn’t tell if it was from the celebratory drinking or the proximity to Hope._

_“Yeah, sorry, must have lost track of time,” Hope replied, turning her eyes back to the night sky._

_Kelley nodded and looked up at the smattering of stars. She was suddenly nervous. She hadn’t known what to expect when she’d learned she would be the keeper’s roommate for the entire games. It hadn’t happened before and now they’d been cohabitating for the last few weeks. In fact, Kelley hadn’t known what to expect with the keeper in general. She hadn’t spent much time with her prior to being suddenly thrust into a starting position on the back line._

_Now they were practically inseparable. And in Kelley’s opinion, it felt like there was something between them. Not an overt something, but a real something hidden underneath all of the playful banter, outlandish flirting (mostly on her part), and neck nuzzles (definitely on her part). It was all fun and games when everyone else was around, but when they were alone, it made Kelley nervous. In a deliciously, glorious way._

_“So why are we out here looking at stars when we should be celebrating that ridiculous game and our ticket to the finals?” Kelley asked, poking her in the side playfully._

_Hope swatted her hand away and smiled momentarily. Her expression grew serious and she licked her lips. She finally replied, “Perspective.”_

_“Uh, what?” Kelley asked, clearly confused by Hope’s answer._

_Hope paused and turned to her. Kelley could see Hope warring with herself, trying to decide how much she was going to open up to Kelley. They’d had so many late night conversations over the last few weeks, but Kelley could tell that Hope was still holding back. She wondered if this would be the time that she let Kelley see her. Hope bit her lip before answering, “When I need perspective, I look at the stars. It calms me and gives me some sense of what’s important.”_

_“Why are you out here tonight?” Kelley inquired quietly, not wanting to push Hope._

_Hope looked back at the stars and answered, “I just don’t really know how we won. So when you guys all went to Mittsy’s room to celebrate, I came up here. I just needed to be by myself for a little while.”_

_“So what is it about the stars? How does it work?” Kelley whispered, afraid of breaking the spell._

_Hope took in a deep breath and then replied, “So when I’m stressed or whatever, I think about the stars. So, like all of these stars are suns right? Well not all of them, some of them are planets in our solar system or satellites or whatever, but still, most of them are suns. And all of those suns have planets around them and some of those planets have to be perfectly placed for life by shear happenstance alone, just like Earth. So what is the possibility that we are the only intelligent life forms in the entire universe? And if by some miracle we are, if we are really the only living things with the capacity to talk and be in love and play soccer, how did we get to be so lucky?”_

_Kelley stared at her in awe for a second and then said, “I don’t get it.”_

_Hope chuckled softly, “Ok, just stick with me Stanford. I look at the stars and think about how lucky I am. How lucky we are to be living our dream. We are the luckiest of the lucky. We get to do what we love every day and we inspire others just by doing what we love. And sometimes I just need that reminder.”_

_“Hm,” Kelley pondered and then asked, “So what does that have to do with the game?”_

_“Nothing really. Other than I need to remember what is important. I need to remember that I get to play soccer for a living and I need to let the fact that we almost lost tonight go,” she replied._

_“Did it work?” Kelley asked her._

_“No, I’m still pissed,” Hope told her._

_“Hope, I don’t know if you know this, but we won,” Kelley reminded her sarcastically._

_“Yeah well we almost didn’t. I let in three goals,” Hope replied quickly._

_“Yeah well at least one of them was completely my fault, but we still won and now we’re going to the gold medal game,” Kelley argued._

_“Yeah well that’s the thing isn’t it? There is so much riding on this tournament. We all feel like we should have won last year and we didn’t. So now we need to prove ourselves, but I don’t want us to be the team that loses again. We are so close, Kell. I want this so bad,” Hope responded, emotions apparent under her words._

_Kelley rolled onto her side and faced Hope. She waited until Hope had returned her gaze before saying, “I do too. We all do, but you can’t shoulder this all on your own. We are a team. We can only do this together.”_

_Hope nodded and looked away. “I know,” she whispered._

_Kelley poked her in the side and said, “Truth or dare?”_

_Hope rolled her eyes and turned back to Kelley. “I’m not playing truth or dare with you,” she responded._

_“Truth or dare?” Kelley repeated, poking Hope more forcefully._

_“No,” Hope replied, smacking her hand away._

_“Truth or fucking dare Hope Solo! It can be truth or truth for all I care!” Kelley told her, sitting up and poking Hope incessantly in the side._

_“Ok ok ok!!” Hope shouted at Kelley, rolling away from her. “Ok truth! Jesus!”_

_“Good, I’m glad you see reason,” Kelley said, lying back down next to Hope. “So my question is, why do you see it as your job to make this happen? Why put this all on yourself?”_

_“That’s two questions,” Hope pointed out, clearly avoiding the question._

_“Not really, same question, asked two different ways,” Kelley shot back. “Now answer it.”_

_Hope sighed through her nose and then answered, “Because if I would have saved that last goal at the end of the second extra we would have won. I can’t score goals, but I can save them. That’s my job.”_

_“Hope, you’re an amazing goalkeeper, but there’s no way you can save every goal. And we had plenty of chances to win that game. You saved three penalty shots and we missed three penalty shots. You more than did your part,” Kelley told her pointedly._

_“But we still almost lost,” Hope muttered._

_“Yeah, but you gotta let it go,” Kelley said simply._

_“Mh,” Hope acquiesced. After a moment of silence, she asked, “Truth or dare?”_

_“Truth,” Kelley replied, smiling now that Hope was playing the game._

_“Why did you come looking for me?” she asked._

_“Because you need to be with us. You are such an important part of this team. You are our backline backbone. You keep us together. For better or worse, we need to stick together,” Kelley said, nodding along with her words. Hope returned her nod and looked away. “I know shit went down on this team a while back, but we’re not that team. We wouldn’t do that to you. We have your back and we are going to take this on together.”_

_“Mh,” Hope replied again, crossing her arms over her chest._

_“Truth or dare?” Kelley asked quickly, sensing Hope shutting down._

_Hope sighed quietly, “Truth.”_

_“If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be?” Kelley questioned, in an attempt to lighten the tension in the cool summer air._

_“Um,” Hope tilted her head to the side and knotted her eyebrows together in thought. “I’m not sure really. I’ve been a lot of places. But I’m really feeling somewhere tropical with a place on the ocean. Like Fuji or Hawaii or Tahiti.”_

_“Somewhere tropical does sound nice,” Kelley mused, losing herself in thoughts of surfing in the warm ocean._

_“Truth or dare?” Hope asked quietly, effectively breaking into Kelley’s thoughts._

_“Dare,” Kelley said with a smirk._

_“Ok, I dare you to tell me why you don’t believe in yourself,” Hope said with a wry smile._

_“That’s totally fucking cheating!” Kelley exclaimed, rolling back onto her side and poking Hope in the ribs._

_“Ow!” Hope squealed and swiped at Kelley. “I can dare you to do whatever I want. That’s the game kid.”_

_“Ugh, fine. Fucking loopholes. Ok, fine. I don’t… I mean, everyone on this team is so good and I’m like, ‘I’m Kelley O’Hara and I have no idea what I’m doing.’ Sometimes I’m not sure I can pull this off. I’ve been working my ass off, but I don’t know why Pia picked me. I don’t want to let you guys down,” Kelley admitted. Truthfully, this was something she’d been worrying about all tournament. It reared back up when Sinclair had blown past her to score a goal just a few hours earlier. Kelley hadn’t wanted to show weakness to the keeper or anyone else on the backline, but her insecurity was getting the best of her. She looked away and swallowed hard._

_“Kell,” Hope said softly. Kelley bit her lip and looked back at Hope. Hope rolled onto her side and propped herself up with her elbow. She was so close to Kelley that it made her heart race. Hope’s blue eyes held a protectiveness and a hint of affection as she stared down Kelley. “Never underestimate yourself. You can do this. We all believe in you. No one else could have stepped into a new position like you did. If I’ve been hard on you, I’m sorry. I just know you can do this and I want to help get you there.”_

_“But I’m not like you guys. You’re Hope freaking Solo for crying out loud,” Kelley argued quietly._

_“Actually, you’re so much better than you give yourself credit for. You won the Herman trophy. You went to the College Cup. You scored like a billion goals at Stanford. You deserve to be here as much as anyone else,” Hope reasoned passionately._

_“Yeah,” Kelley replied, looking down at her hands._

_“Kell,” Hope whispered. Kelley’s heart leapt into her throat. No one had ever said her name like that. Kelley swallowed hard and met Hope’s eyes again. It was almost too much, but she willed herself not to look away. “I believe in you,” Hope told her softly._

_Kelley stole a look at Hope’s lips, which were too close for comfort. Kelley knew she was in trouble. The real thing was in the air, surrounding them. Kelley didn’t want to break the spell, but she figured that this may be her only chance. She was afraid of ruining everything, but she still whispered, “Truth or dare?”_

_“Dare,” Hope whispered back, offering Kelley what could only be described as a hint of a devious smirk. Almost as if she knew what was coming._

_“I dare you to kiss me,” Kelley whispered, her eyes flicking down to Hope’s lips. She looked back up to see Hope’s eyes widen slightly and her eyebrows raise in question, as if asking permission. Kelley leaned toward Hope faintly, giving the go ahead. Hope licked her lips slowly and reached out to grab ahold of the front of Kelley’s jacket. Kelley felt Hope’s strong hand curl around the fabric and slowly reel her in. Kelley held her breath in anticipation and closed her eyes. She could feel Hope’s breath on her lips and she ached to close the gap. Hope hesitated, before bushing her lips against Kelley’s. Kelley’s stomach dropped at the touch, and she whispered, “Hope.”_

_The rest of Kelley’s words, whatever they had been, were lost to Kelley as she felt Hope’s lips suddenly against hers. The kiss was sweet, tender, and completely unlike anything Kelley could have expected from Hope. Kelley tried to savor the moment, but she couldn’t, she wanted more, needed more. She leaned in further, trying to deepen the kiss, but Hope pulled back slowly. Kelley felt the night air on her lips and sighed involuntarily._

_She opened her eyes sluggishly and looked up at Hope, who returned her gaze with a bashful smile. “We should, um, we should get back. It’s getting late,” she told Kelley._

_“Yeah,” Kelley breathed, still dazed from the kiss. She could still feel the ghost of Hope’s lips on hers. She licked her lips and leaned back, expanding the space between them._

_Hope stood up slowly and brushed the roof debris from her pants. Kelley stood up too quickly, worried about what the roof’s events may mean to Hope, and swayed slightly. She felt a strong hand on her shoulder. “Hey, I got you,” Hope said as she steadied Kelley._

_“Woah, yeah, I think all those shots are finally getting to me,” Kelley lied and leaned into Hope._

_Hope put her arm around Kelley’s shoulders and steered them toward the door, “Don’t worry kiddo. I got you. I’ll make sure you get home safe.”_

_***_

            Kelley unlocked the front door to the fifth story apartment and stepped inside calling out, “Hello? Jen?” Her call was answered by silence and it was apparent Jen hadn’t been home very often in a while. Everything was antiseptic, barely lived in, and wholly unlike the home they’d shared before she left.

            Kelley set down her keys on the counter and dropped her bag on the floor. She looked around the open room and quickly realized that packing wouldn’t take very long. Nothing in the room was hers. Her only belongings were in the bedroom. She realized suddenly that she’d been staying with Jen, not sharing a home with her.

            Kelley pulled her phone out of her pocket and text Jen, _Hey, I’m back in town. When will I see you? Dinner tonight?_

            She walked into the bedroom and found a few boxes waiting for her by the closet. At least Jen had been considerate. She surveyed the walk-in closet and realized all of her belongings would fit in the three boxes provided and the two of her suitcases still neatly stacked in the corner.

            Kelley’s phone buzzed in her pocket. Her heart sank when she read the message, _Working on a huge case. Won’t be home for dinner. There’s food in the fridge. I think._

Kelley sat down in the closet and shook her head. She’d known it would come to this. She hadn’t been willing to work for her relationship and it was now apparent neither had Jen. After a moment of reflection, Kelley replied, _This is over isn’t it?_

She had bare set her phone on floor when the answer came. _Yeah I think so._

            Kelley nodded to herself and pulled a suitcase toward her. She picked up her phone and text back, _Ok, I’m packing now. I’ll leave my key under the mat._ Kelley stood and began throwing anything she could wear in Seattle in the open suitcase. She didn’t bother to fold it, not caring that everything would be wrinkly when she pulled it all back out. She just wanted to get out. As soon as possible.

            After the first suitcase was full, she crouched to close it. Her phone buzzed next to her foot and she made the mistake of looking at it. _Thanks_ , was the only response. She sat back and rested her forehead on her knees. None of this was a shock. She’d known sometime in the last few weeks that this was where her relationship was headed. She just hadn’t wanted to admit it.

            It was a while before the tears came. Somewhere between the first and second box of winter clothes and extraneous shoes. But the tears weren’t for her broken relationship with Jen, they were for what she never got to have with Hope.


	11. Fire N Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope can't quite shake off a memory so she calls Carli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is something different about you and I   
> And I feel like I have known you my whole life  
> There is beauty behind every tear you've cried  
> Sometimes it's just hard to realize
> 
> Baby, we were born with  
> Fire & gold in our eyes  
>  \- Fire N Gold by Bea Miller

            Hope set the pen down on top of her notepad and scrolled back through the video footage on her laptop. She was distracted, again. But this time it wasn’t actual Kelley. It was merely the thought of Kelley. She’d been fighting this losing battle all afternoon, but she was determined to get through this game.

            The problem was that the college footage she was pouring through, hoping to get a good look at one of the new forwards in the league, was not adequately pushing Kelley from her mind. In fact, it was having the opposite effect. Hope was supposed to be watching the crafty forward from UCLA, but UCLA’s opponent was Stanford and a spritely midfielder kept pulling her attention away. Same size, same hair color, same stature, and same natural swagger. She didn’t look like Kelley really, but from the faraway camera angle and the second rate footage, the resemblance was close enough.

            Every time the KO look-a-like came out of nowhere to snag the ball, Hope couldn’t help but think of that young, inexperienced Kelley that had been thrust onto her backline and played with a reckless abandon. All of their first memories kept creeping into her thoughts: their first meeting, their first camp, their first cap together, their first kiss, their first night together. That last one was the hardest to deter. Hope hadn’t let herself think about that night in a long time. Every time the memory snuck back into her mind, she pushed it away ferociously. At one point, she thought she’d pushed it away so many times that it was actually gone forever, just a wisp of a recollection. But she’d been wrong. After opening back up to Kelley, all those old memories had floated to the surface, still as intact and heartbreaking as ever. And that one, the one with the Canada game and their rooftop kiss and their first night together, that one was the most powerful.

***

_August 2012_

_“Don’t worry kiddo. I got you. I’ll make sure you get home safe,” Hope told the young defender as she put a steadying arm around her shoulders. Hope felt her cheeks warm as Kelley leaned into her. The ghost of their kiss still lingering on her lips._

_Hope swallowed hard and opened the stairwell door. She held it open for Kelley and moved her hand down to the small of Kelley’s back as she walked unsteadily through the door. Kelley paused at the top of the stairs and waited for Hope to join her._

_Suddenly Hope was nervous, the bubble of their rooftop conversation effectively burst. Kelley looked up at her shyly and tentatively took Hope’s hand. Hope smiled back at her reassuringly and led her down the stairs to their floor. Silence followed them the entire descent, both lost in their thoughts of each other._

_Hope was acutely aware of every bit of Kelley next to her, from her fingers interlaced with her own to the warmth coming from her close proximity. Internally, Hope was freaking out over their kiss. She’d felt for a while that there was something between them, but she hadn’t let herself think about it too deeply. It was just a reality of their friendship. She worried at times that she was leading Kelley on by letting her nuzzle herself into Hope’s neck when they hugged or cuddle when they watched tv shows on Hope’s laptop. But in the end, she couldn’t stop herself. It dawned on her that maybe she was kidding herself by thinking that Kelley was the only one with some kind of feelings._

_The kiss had come as a surprise. Not the dare necessarily, that was a classic Kelley distraction tactic, but the kiss itself. It made her nervous how much she’d wanted to kiss Kelley and how grateful she was that Kelley was the one to initiate it. If she was being honest with herself, she wasn’t sure how much longer she could have held out. She was drawn to Kelley. In a way she had never been drawn to anyone. And it scared the shit out of her._

_Kelley dropped her hand as they made it back to their floor. She opened the door and Hope followed her through it and into the hallway. Hope’s chest tightened with every step toward their door. A growing tension surrounded them, causing Hope’s heart to hammer in her chest. They would be alone together, with no possibility of being interrupted by innocent bystanders. The thought of being interrupted was what ultimately made Hope break off their kiss. It had taken every ounce of willpower she had to pull back when Kelley had tried to deepen their kiss._ Not here, _she had told herself. Now the thought of them being alone together was sending Hope over the edge._

_She swallowed nervously as they reached their door. Kelley leaned up against the frame and closed her eyes drowsily. Hope fished her keycard out of her pocket and prayed for a shred of self-control. Kelley’s relaxed face was angelic and it was doing things to Hope that she couldn’t put into words. Hope shoved the keycard in the lock and the lock disengaged with a loud click. She shoved open the door and quickly entered the room, her stomach flipping with anticipation and desire._

_Hope whirled around as Kelley entered the room. Kelley’s eyes widened in shock as Hope hungrily lunged at her, pushing her body up against the back of the door. She took Kelley’s face in her hands and pinned Kelley’s body between her own and the door. Kelley’s lips parted slightly, her mind obviously trying to process the situation she had found herself in. Hope quickly took Kelley’s lower lip between her own, feeling the younger woman’s shock wear off as she returned the kiss._

_Hope moaned softly as Kelley swiftly took charge and spun them so Hope was now pressed up against the wall. Her knees grew weak as Kelley deepened the kiss and ran her tongue slowly across Hope’s lower lip. Her body shivered as Kelley’s tongue teased her again. Hope growled low in her throat and pushed off the wall, flipping the advantage so Kelley was now the one pinned against the wall. She quickly found the zipper of Kelley’s jacket and slowly pulled it down. Her hands wandered under the hem of Kelley’s shirt to the bare skin of her back, while she lowered her head to send a trail of kisses down Kelley’s neck._

_Kelley’s sharp intake of breath and head tilt was met with a smile from Hope. Kelley moaned her name when Hope took a playful nip at her neck. She groped for the zipper on Hope’s matching jacket and pulled it down with a decisive jerk. Hope’s breath came in jagged gasps as she suddenly pulled away. Kelley had two fistfuls of Hope’s jacket and the look in Kelley’s eyes was doing nothing to curb her desire._

_“Kell,” Hope whispered, her voice low and hungry._

_“Yeah?” Kelley replied huskily, uncertainty creeping into her expression._

_“Take off your clothes,” Hope commanded softly._

_A smile slowly spread across Kelley’s face. “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied, pushing Hope off her and leading her toward the bed._

***

            Hope shook off the memory with considerable effort. She rubbed her hands over her eyes and noisily took a deep breath. It had been a long time since she’d let herself think about that night, mostly because she had always considered it the most important night. The beginning and the end, the cause for all the happiness and the heartbreak, the precipice between what would be and what could have been. And the thing was that Hope knew she’d never trade that night. She’d let it play out that way over and over again if she ever had to choose. It was one of her favorite nights, but it was tainted by the aftermath, both short term and long term. She knew that night had led her right to this very moment and that path was where she held all of her regrets.

            She shook her head again. _For fuck’s sake. Get it together,_ she chided herself. She closed her laptop with a decisive bang and picked up her phone. Without looking at the time, she quickly called Carli’s number.

            Hope bit her thumbnail as she waited for her better half to pick up. She silently hoped Carli would answer, knowing that she’d call Pinoe next and she wasn’t quite ready to have this conversation with Megan.

            After what seemed like eternity, Carli picked up. “Hey,” Hope responded to Carli’s hello.

            “Hey. So to what do I owe the pleasure? Is this a Reign call, an O’Hara call, or a general life crisis call?” Carli asked her pointedly.

            “Hey, not fair! Can’t I just want to talk to you?” Hope asked, partially annoyed that Carli could read her so easily.

            Carli huffed a laugh on the other end and replied, “If you wanted to shoot the shit, you would have just texted me. You only call when you need to talk.”

            “I do not!” Hope responded defensively. Carli snorted loudly into the speaker and Hope relented, “Ok, I do. You’re right. Do you have time to talk?”

            “For you, of course. Please state the nature of your call so I can tell Brian how long this might take. It’s movie night,” Carli explained.

            “Not the first, but definitely the second. There may also be some of the third,” Hope told her hesitantly.

            “Ok, hold on,” Carli said. Hope could hear her yelling down the hall to Brian about how she’d be on the phone with Hope for a while and not to worry about waiting to start the movie. Hope pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance with herself at ruining her best friend’s evening.

            “I’m sorry Carl,” Hope told her when Carli returned to the phone.

            “Hey, it’s cool. Brian picked the movie and I have literally no interest, so take your time,” Carli replied with a laugh.

            Hope smiled at her friend and rolled her eyes, “Thanks.”

            “So what’s up? Still thinking about your chat the other day or has something new happened?” Carli asked her, not waiting around for Hope to reveal her thoughts.

            Hope sighed, “Nothing new. I just can’t stop thinking about her and the past and all that crap I left behind. It’s like, I worked so hard to move past all of that and all of a sudden she’s here and I can’t push all that back anymore.”

            “Mh,” Carli muttered noncommittally. “So I never really got the whole story on your talk. Was it a good thing or a bad thing?”

            “Both?” Hope shrugged. “I don’t know honestly. She basically proposed that we finally be honest with each other, so we talked about a lot of things we’d never addressed. I also told her all about leaving Jerramy and retiring and letting her walk away. It was kind of a big conversation, but it’s not all out yet. I feel like in order to clear the air, there’s so much more that has to be said.”

            “On your part or her part?” Carli asked.

            “Both maybe? Definitely my part, but that’s because I was never really honest with her. I mean I was, but there’s a lot that I held back. But I get the feeling she has things she wants to say too, but we just couldn’t say everything that night,” Hope replied uncertainly.

            “But you could invite her to stay for dinner?” Carli asked her sarcastically.

            “Whatever, it wasn’t like that,” Hope responded quickly.

            “Ok, then what was it like? Cuz that sounds, I don’t know, kinda like a date,” Carli told her, a clear smirk in her teasing tone.

            “Carli! Goddamn it! I told you, it wasn’t a date. The conversation just kind of became too much for the both of us and we needed to process, so we decided to stop talking about it. And yes, I invited her to stay because, I don’t know, because I had extra and maybe I wanted to show her that I’m not a complete asshole,” Hope replied emphatically.

            “Ok, ok. Jesus. Chill out. Just keep telling yourself that,” Carli said quickly.

            “What the fuck does that mean?” Hope questioned her, anger lacing her tone.

            “You know what it means. Let’s have some real talk for a second here ok? Do you have feelings for her?” Carli asked bluntly.

            Hope took a deep breath before answering, “I don’t know. No? Yes? Maybe? I just really don’t know. It’s just so fucking complicated.”

            “It’s really not though. You either like the girl or you don’t. You either have feelings for her or you don’t. You either want to jump her bones or you don’t,” Carli pointed out.

            “Jump her bones? Really?” Hope replied, barely containing a laugh.

            “Hey, it’s an oldie, but a goodie. Answer the question,” Carli responded.

            Hope swallowed thickly and paused to think. Her feelings for Kelley were so muddled, it was hard to give a straight answer. The truth was that she didn’t know for sure if what she was feeling was new or old or residual. Everything with Kelley was just so damn complicated. She told Carli as much, “There are feelings, but I don’t know what they are or what they mean. I’ve tried so hard for three years, for three years, to put everything that happened with Kelley behind me and now she’s right in front of me all the time and we’re constantly talking about it. So I just really don’t know.”

            “So why did you call me, Hope?” Carli asked simply.

            “Ugh, because. Because you know the whole story and I guess I just need an outside perspective,” she responded. Hope closed her eyes and covered them with her hand. She knew talking about this would be hard, but she felt guilty for making Carli sit through yet another conversation about Kelley.

            “Outside perspective on what?” Carli questioned.

            “On whether or not I’m losing my mind. On whether or not this is real. And am I an idiot for having literally no idea what to do in this situation? I just really, really, really, don’t know what to do,” Hope told her.

            “Well you are an idiot, but that’s beside the point. Come on Hope. How many times are you going to go down this road?” Carli asked. It was a valid question. Hope had lost count of the times Carli had helped her deal with her feelings for the younger woman.

            “Fuck, I don’t know! That’s the point! I’m trying not to go down this road. It’s not fair to her. Yes, things are different, but at the same time, I’m still me. I can’t do this to her again. I won’t do this again!” Hope told her emotionally.

            “Ok, look, I get where you are coming from, but I think you are being unfair to yourself,” Carli replied. She sighed and continued, “Look, since you and O’Hara and I are no longer teammates, I can say all the things I couldn’t say before.”

            “Such as?” Hope asked tentatively.

            “Such as, telling you that I think you guys were great together and I think you should give this another shot. At what point are you going to let yourself be happy? You two have always had a chemistry unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed. You guys just never got the chance to be together for real. There were too many complications. But honestly Hope, you know those moments that you were together? I’ve never seen you happier. In some weird way that defies all logic, you guys worked. Well, until you decided you didn’t deserve her and blew her off again,” Carli pointed out.

            Tears sprang up in Hope’s eyes and she wiped them away quickly. She cleared her throat in an attempt to keep the emotion out of her voice. Quietly she said, “Well that’s the problem isn’t it? I still don’t deserve her.”

            “Oh my god Hope, I fucking swear, if I could reach through this phone and slap you I would,” Carli practically yelled.

            Hope chuckled dejectedly, “I’m sure there’s an app for that.”

            “Be serious would you? I really don’t get why you always think you’re not good enough for her. Or for anyone for that matter,” Carli stated angrily.

            Hope knew that she deserved Carli’s frustration. This was an old argument. One that Hope rarely won, but she would never relent in her belief that she wasn’t good enough, no matter how much anyone told her she was. “She needs someone who can be a true partner, someone who isn’t selfish and doesn’t fuck up everything she touches,” Hope told her.

            “Why do you think you have the right to decide what anyone else needs when you can’t even accept what you need? Yeah, you used to be a self-centered, egotistical asshole, but you’re not that person anymore,” Carli replied emphatically.

            “But what if I am with her? What if by letting this happen, I return to the old me because it’s easy? I don’t want to be that person anymore, especially not with her,” Hope responded, her voice ringing throughout the small room.

            “But what if you are not? What if you guys actually do this right this time?” Carli asked gently.

            Hope sighed and leaned back in her chair. Tears welled in her eyes again. This time Hope left them there, her vision swimming in their presence. Finally, she said, “I don’t know if I can take that chance. I won’t risk hurting her. Even if I do have feelings for her or even maybe someday will have feelings for her. I can’t be what she needs and we’ve proven over and over that we just don’t work.”

            Carli sighed into the phone. “Do you know how stubborn you are?” she asked Hope.

            “Yes,” Hope replied simply. She sniffed and wiped away the tears that had spilled onto her cheeks with the back of her hand.

            “I think you are making a mistake by not letting yourself even entertain the possibility of being with her. I know you think she deserves more, but she is a grown woman and gets to decide for herself. Stop making this only about you,” Carli chided.

            “It’s not about me! It’s about her and her happiness. I can’t make her happy. And honestly, I really don’t know if I ever did. What we had was messy and hurtful. I’m not sure if any of it was ever a good thing. She deserves to be happy,” Hope argued.

            “God fucking damn it, why are you such a-” Carli responded, her voice full of frustration.

            Carli’s tirade was interrupted by the doorbell. Hope knitted her eyebrows in confusion. “Hey hold on, someone is at the door,” she told Carli.

            “And you’re just going to interrupt me to go answer the door?” Carli asked her, clearly annoyed.

            “Obviously,” Hope told her as she walked down the hall to the entry way. She blinked back the remaining wetness in her eyes and took a steadying deep breath. Whoever was at the door didn’t need to see her like this.

            “Well who’d be at your door randomly on a Sunday?” Carli asked, now clearly intrigued.

            “If I had any idea, don’t you think I would have told you?” Hope replied sarcastically as she stepped into the entryway. The afternoon light reflected a small figure through the tempered glass of her front door. Hope swallowed in recognition and felt her pulse speed up. “Hey Carl, I gotta call you back,” she said as she opened the front door.

            “What do you mean call me back? Who is it? Hope! Hope!” Carli’s voice shouted from the phone’s speaker as Hope held the phone by her side and opened the front door.

            “Hi,” the figure greeted her simply.

            “Kell? What’s wrong? I thought you were in Chicago,” Hope greeted her visitor, who was standing timidly on the front porch with a backpack slung over her shoulder and an overnight bag in her hand. She looked up at Hope nervously.

            Hope ignored Carli’s voice through the phone as she said, “Is that Kelley? Hope are you listening to me? I’m hanging up. You better fucking call me back!”

            Hope stuffed her phone in her pocket and opened the door wider. “Are you ok?” she asked the younger woman.

            “Yeah, I’m ok,” Kelley said quietly. “Does that offer from the other night still stand?”


	12. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley asks Hope if she can stay with her for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to me as we go  
> As we roll down this unfamiliar road  
> And although this wave is stringing us along  
> Just know you're not alone  
> 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home  
> \- Home by Phillip Phillips

            Kelley fidgeted nervously with the strap of her backpack as she stood on Hope’s porch. She’d come here almost on a whim, in desperation to get away from Pinoe and Sera’s sympathetic looks and adorable coupledom. Now she was worried that she’d miscalculated how much better staying with Hope would be. It was Hope after all.

            She hadn’t felt this worry during the drive over or when she’d parked the car in Hope’s long driveway or when she’d lumbered up the stairs or even when she’d rang the doorbell. But now that she was standing here and would have to answer Hope’s question of why she was there, anxiety was creeping in. She could hear Hope’s voice grow closer and noticed the light change as her form came into view through the glass panes of the door. Kelley held her breath as the door opened and Hope stood in front of her, concern on her face, cell phone in her hand.

            “Hi,” Kelley squeaked out. She paired it with what she hoped was a friendly smile.

            “Kell? What’s wrong? I thought you were in Chicago,” Hope greeted her, the concern on her face becoming more pronounced. Kelley could hear someone’s voice through Hope’s phone. She thought for a second that it sounded like Carli. Kelley raised her eyebrows nervously and shrugged in response. Hope stuffed the phone in her pocket and asked, “Are you ok?”

            Kelley looked down and nodded. “Yeah, I’m ok,” she replied quietly. “Does that offer from the other night still stand?”

            Hope paused for a second and tilted her head in confusion, “You mean when I said you were welcome to stay here if you wanted?” Kelley nodded in response, suddenly very worried that she’d misunderstood Hope that night. Hope smiled reassuringly at Kelley, to which Kelley let out a massive internal sigh of relief. “Of course! Absolutely. Come in! Come in! Do you have any more bags?”

            “Yeah, there’s a couple of suitcases in the car,” Kelley told her stepping into the house.

            “Ok, well let me show you where the guest rooms are and then we can grab your stuff,” Hope told her, opening the door wide enough for Kelley and her bulky bag to get through.

            “Thanks,” Kelley sighed gratefully.

            “Yeah no problem,” Hope told her as she led her through the entryway and into the hall. “The next two rooms on the right are guest rooms so you can choose whichever one. They look the same, but the first one has a view of the driveway, but the second one is closer to the bathroom and has a view of the backyard.”

            “I’ll go with the backyard view,” Kelley replied with a smile.

            Hope laughed lightly, “Yeah, that’d be my pick too. No one ever stays in the other one.” She led Kelley to the door at the end of the hallway and stepped aside after opening it for her. “Here you go.”

            Kelley stepped past her gratefully and smiled. The large window took up most of one wall and did indeed have a beautiful view of the backyard and its surrounding trees. She took in the small room and snorted a laugh at the familiarity of the furniture. The guest room furniture was exactly the same as in Hope’s old house. “Hey I’m getting a little déjà vu,” she said, setting her stuff next to the bed and turning back to Hope.

            “Well, there was nothing wrong with it so…” Hope trailed off with a shrug.

            “Makes me feel right at home,” Kelley told her shyly.

            “Come on, I’ll help you get the rest of your stuff,” Hope directed with a wave of her hand. She turned and walked back down the hall. Kelley followed her out to her car, waiting for Hope’s questions about why she was here.

            Kelley wordlessly popped the trunk of her car and stepped in front of Hope to open it. Inside were two suitcases, her Reign bag, and a giant national team bag. They pulled the luggage out of the trunk and Kelley slammed the trunk lid down with a nod. Hope raised her eyebrows in question. “That’s it,” Kelley told her.

            “Really?” Hope asked. “Is this all of your stuff? Like all of your stuff? Because if I remember correctly, Krieger and Syd came to camp with more luggage than this.”

            “Yeah, um, this is it. Most of my actual stuff is in storage at my parents,” Kelley replied with a self-conscious half-shrug.

            “Alright, well let’s get you settled,” Hope said, starting toward the house with a bag and a suitcase. “And then you can tell me why you left Pinoe’s.”

            Kelley swallowed and nodded in agreement. She followed Hope back into the house and unceremoniously dropped her stuff in a heap next to the bed. She sat on the bed and watched Hope set her other suitcase and bag next to the dresser. “Thanks,” Kelley said again. “And thanks for letting me stay here.”

            “You’re welcome,” Hope replied and crossed her arms over chest. She looked down for a second, as if measuring her words, and then fixed her eyes on Kelley. “You know this is contingent on you telling me at least the abridged version of what’s going on, right?”

            Kelley looked out the window and nodded her acquiescence. “Yeah,” she sighed, turning back to Hope.

            “Good,” Hope responded with a single nod. She uncrossed her arms and moved toward the door. “I’m going to make some coffee. Want a cup?”

            “Only if it’s Irish,” Kelley told her with a smirk.

            Hope huffed a laugh, the kind that crinkled up her eyes and used to send Kelley’s stomach dropping. “I think I can make that happen,” Hope replied with a smile of her own. She left Kelley alone in the room, her hand trailing behind her to close the bedroom door. Kelley fell back on the bed and covered her face with her hands.

            _Was this a mistake? What am I doing here? Is this really the better option? Or am I just going to get myself in trouble? Of course she said yes, she wasn’t going to leave me outside and homeless. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I’ll just stay here for a little while. Just long enough to be an adult and find a place. Yeah, that’ll work._

            Kelley sniffed loudly and pulled her hands away from her face. She popped up off the bed and went to work rearranging her belongings. She decided to unpack only a few items, so it would be easy to repack when she was ready to leave. She made quick work of the unpacking, trying to ignore the fact that Hope Solo’s laugh still made her stomach drop.

***

            Hope walked down the hall in a bit of a daze. Kelley was going to be staying with her. _Staying here. In my house._ Of course she had said yes, she wasn’t about to let Kelley be destitute. And she had sincerely offered to let Kelley stay here the other night, she just didn’t think Kelley would take her up on it so soon, if ever.

            She pulled her phone out of her pocket and text Carli, _Kelley was at the door. I offered to let her stay here if she was sick of Pinoe’s and she took me up on it. She’s now unpacking in my guest bedroom._

The reply came swiftly, _WHAT?!? She’s going to stay with you? You really are an idiot._

 _Carli! That’s not helpful! What do I do?_ Hope chided Carli.

            _First- don’t freak out! Second- don’t be an idiot! Third- be careful,_ Carli advised.

            _That’s possibly the worst advice ever, thanks,_ Hope replied, her eyes rolling at her friend.

            _Well you shoulda known. But ok, ok, be you and be careful. Keep me posted,_ Carli text back.

            Hope sighed through her nose. _Thanks a lot,_ she text back before putting her phone back into her pocket and went about making coffee. Her mind wandered as she set the coffee maker to brew. It didn’t seem real that Kelley was here. Kelley had stayed with Hope a few times before, but only for a night or two and with other people in the house. The thought of them being alone together for long stretches of time sent of flutter through Hope’s stomach. She ignored it and took her phone back out of her pocket.

            _Why did Kelley show up on my doorstep?_ she text Pinoe bluntly.

            Pinoe’s reply came after Hope had collected the bottle of Jameson and other ingredients for Irish coffee. _Um… oh shit! That’s where she went? I thought she was going to a hotel._

 _I need the quick and dirty version Pinoe,_ Hope responded.

            _Ok, so she and the girlfriend broke up in Chicago. She came back here and said she needed a change of scenery. I figured she just went to a hotel,_ Pinoe told her.

            Hope texted her thanks and took two mugs out of the cabinet. She had just started pouring the coffee when she heard quiet footsteps heading down the hallway. Kelley appeared in the kitchen and took a seat on one of the barstools behind the island counter. Hope noticed her drawn shoulders and defeated look. She set a mug in front of her and then leaned back against the kitchen counter.

            Kelley mumbled her thanks and wrapped her hands around the mug, staring into its contents. Hope bit her lip before asking, “Kell, are you ok?”

            “Yeah,” Kelley replied quietly. She lifted the mug to her lips and inhaled the scent of the whiskey laced coffee. Her lips twitched at the corners. “This smells really good.”

            “Yeah well, I have a few hidden talents,” Hope replied snarkily, without thinking through her words. Kelley’s eyebrow raised slightly and she bit back a smirk. Hope closed her eyes and shook her head, fighting back a smile of her own. She cleared her throat and grew serious. “So anyway, what happened? I’ll accept the short version.”

            Kelley took a small sip from her mug and nodded, “Ok, so I got into Chicago yesterday afternoon and I went to my apartment, but Jen wasn’t there. Turns out she wasn’t planning on seeing me so we broke up. I packed my stuff, stayed the night in a hotel and caught a flight back here this morning.”

            “I’m sorry Kelley,” Hope told her sincerely. She hated the sadness lining Kelley’s features, the way her shoulders slouched, almost as if she was curling into herself.

            “Yeah well, I knew it was coming. Neither one of us were trying very hard at the long distance thing, so it was only a matter of time. But it still sucks. I was hoping that we’d talk and find a way to work it out, but… oh well,” Kelley replied. She paused and looked out the kitchen window. Hope waited her out, knowing she wasn’t quite done with her story. After an agonizing few seconds, she continued, “So when I got home and Pinoe was all concerned, I just had to get out of there. I love Pinoe and Sera, but they are like the epitome of adorable coupledom and I can’t deal with that right now. Plus, I’ve been there for like a month and I really need to be an adult and find an apartment.”

            “Well, you can stay here as long as you like,” Hope said, offering Kelley a small smile.

            Kelley nodded her thanks, let out a small sigh of what Hope read as relief. She took a sip from her mug and then met Hope’s eyes. “I promise I won’t be here long. I really do need to find a place of my own, but I appreciate your hospitality,” she replied.

            “Anytime,” she replied, sipping from her own, unspiked mug. She turned and busied herself with tidying the kitchen. Kelley sat drinking her coffee, silently watching Hope clean and occasionally looking out the window. When she finished, Hope turned back to Kelley and asked, “Would you like the grand tour?”

            “Absolutely,” she responded with smiled and hopped off the barstool.

            Hope nodded and led the younger woman through her house. She smiled at Kelley’s awe of her expansive backyard and warm greeting for her dogs. Hope casually skimmed over her upstairs loft bedroom with a wave of her hand toward the stairs. Showing Kelley her bedroom was a line she wasn’t ready to cross. If Kelley thought anything of it, she didn’t show it. At the end of the tour, Kelley only had one question, “Where’s your trophy room?”

            Hope stopped short, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion. Her head tilted as she chewed over the question, “My… trophy… room?”

            “Yeah, you know,” Kelley began, her hands waving emphatically, “the place where you keep all your Hope Solo stuff. There’s nothing around the house that would tip anyone off that you are a soccer legend, so it must all be somewhere.”

            Hope laughed and nodded in understanding, “Most of it is in my office.”

            “Can I see it?” Kelley asked, raising her eyebrows in childlike excitement.

            “You want to see my office?” Hope questioned, clearly confused as to why Kelley would be so interested.

            “Well yeah, but only if you want to show me,” Kelley replied, her smile faltering.

            “Yeah, you can see it. It’s not as exciting as you are making it out to be though,” Hope said with a laugh. She led Kelley down the hall, past the guestrooms, and to the last door on the left. She opened the door and stepped through without hesitation, “Here we are.”

            Kelley stepped through the doorway and looked around in amazement. Hope tried to see the room from Kelley’s eyes. It was filled with medals, trophies, and her two gold gloves. Posters and pictures of her and her teammates plastered the walls. Over time, Hope had tuned all of that out, it was merely background decoration in her office. She smiled as Kelley gleefully took it all in.

            “Now this is a trophy room!” Kelley exclaimed, smiling widely at Hope. “See? I always wanted a trophy room. I knew you had to have one. My mom put all of my stuff in my old room at her house, but it’s nothing like this. This is fantastic!”

            Hope couldn’t help but laugh. Kelley’s exuberance was endearing and Hope was enjoying Kelley’s excitement. “It was just easier to keep it all here,” Hope said by way of an explanation.

            “Oh my god, all of your Olympic medals! And your world cup medals! How can you not be in awe of yourself? This is amazing! This is what dreams are made of,” Kelley said wistfully as she traveled around the room, examining the medals on the wall.

            Hope shook her head, “Kell, you have like all of the same stuff.”

            Kelley turned back to her and shook her head vigorously, “No not like this. I mean I have some of it, but Jesus, you’re like the greatest goalkeeper of all time.” Hope rolled her eyes at Kelley and shook her head in disagreement. Kelley waved her off and continued around the room, commenting on all of Hope’s accomplishments. “What’s it like?” she asked suddenly.

            “What’s what like?” Hope asked, moving further into the room and perching herself on the edge of her expansive desk.

            “What’s it like being the greatest?” Kelley clarified as her eyes traveled over the myriad of pictures on the wall.

            Hope crossed her arms and took a deep breath. She’d never really been asked that before and truthfully it was equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. Kelley had turned back to her, waiting for an answer. “Wonderful, terrible, anxiety inducing, amazing. People always said I was the greatest. How do you decide that though? You could go by the numbers, but sometimes that doesn’t tell the whole story. I never believed that I was the greatest, but I always strived to be the best, so I could never accept that I was. I was still pushing myself to be more, even in Rio. Sometimes it was exhausting. I’m still not sure I really was.”

            “Modesty does not become you. You were the greatest. We all knew it. We were proud of it. Our keeper was the best ever and we got to play in front of her. It’s like you were our general, leading our troops to battle,” Kelley said, calling Hope out.

            Hope nodded in acquiescence. “I appreciate the compliment,” she said with a smile.

            “Of course you do. Who doesn’t want to hear they were the best ever?” Kelley trailed off and reached up to pull a picture off of the shelf. Hope held her breath. There were a lot of pictures of Kelley and herself on those shelves. She was suddenly uneasy of Kelley’s reaction. Kelley studied the picture silently. A smile growing on her face. “I love this picture. I can’t believe you kept it.”

            “Mh,” Hope replied with a nod. “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.”

            “Yeah,” Kelley murmured, still studying the picture. “I was hoping I’d start against Germany and you told me that it didn’t matter because I was going to make an impact no matter what.”

            “And you did,” Hope pointed out.

            Kelley laughed loudly, which brought a smile to Hope’s face. “Yeah, with my flying squirrel ninja kick or whatever the internet called it. God I couldn’t reproduce that if I tried,” she said, meeting Hope’s eyes.

            Hope chuckled lightly and returned Kelley’s smile, “It was an amazing goal. It won us the tournament.”

            “Uh, that’s a stretch. You won us the tournament with that total psych out on the PK. That was some serious Jedi mind trick action. And Carli’s PK was the difference maker. Mine was just icing on the cake,” Kelley told her, setting the picture frame back on the shelf.

            “Now who’s humble?” Hope asked with a quiet snort.

            “Whatever. And I wasn’t nervous, just you were nervous. That night someone convinced me we had it in the bag and I believed them,” Kelley replied, looking over the other pictures on the shelf. “Someone helped rid me of all that nervous energy too if I recall,” she muttered quietly, her back turned to Hope.

            Hope swallowed thickly and bit her lower lip. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks as they darkened. Thankfully, Kelley didn’t turn around, but kept pulling down pictures and commenting on the moments they captured. Hope tried to shake off the memory of that night but couldn’t. It had started with Hope pulling Kelley into a storage closet outside the locker room a few minutes after that picture was taken. It had ended much later in a hotel stairway. She didn’t know why Kelley had brought it up, but the comment had surely had its intended effect.

            Hope shook off the memory and schooled her features into indifference. “Have you seen enough?” she asked nonchalantly.

            Kelley turned around and tilted her head to the side. “Where are the jerseys?” she asked.

            “In the closet,” Hope nodded toward the sliding doors on the far wall. They led to the walk in closet which held all of Hope’s saved jerseys.

            Kelley raised her eyebrows, asking for permission, which Hope granted with a nod. Kelley slid open the doors, turned on the light, and let out a small gasp, “I had no idea you kept so many!”

            “Yeah well I played a long time,” Hope told her, pushing off the desk and joining her in the doorway of the closet.

            “Do you know what all of these are from?” Kelley asked, rifling through the collection of keeper kits and warm ups.

            “Yes,” Hope replied simply, then continued, “I only kept the ones that were important, but I labeled them so that when I become old and senile, someone will know what they are from.”

            “Well that’s smart,” Kelley admitted and turned back to the jerseys. She called out the games as she touched each jersey. “Brazil 2011. Japan 2011, ouch. Canada 2012. Japan 2012. Something I don’t know, something I don’t know, too lazy to look at the tag… Oooh Germany 2015. And Japan 2015. That Germany game was something to remember, huh?” she teased.

            “Yeah it won us the World Cup,” Hope said, leaning against the doorframe of the closet.

            “Dude the Japan game won us the World Cup,” Kelley retorted.

            “You and I both know we won that tournament in the semis. The final was just a formality,” Hope replied pointedly.

            “Yeah,” Kelley nodded, feeling the fabric of the black keeper jersey, her eyes wistfully studying the fabric. “Must have been that second goal that broke their will.”

            Hope smiled and shook her head. “Must have been,” she conceded.

            “Ah, the good old days right?” Kelley said, meeting Hope’s eyes.

            “Yeah, the good old days,” Hope replied quietly. She swallowed thickly, allowing herself a second to remember the stolen time she had spent with Kelley during that tournament. They air grew heavy around them with the memories of their shared past. Hope licked her lips and blinked, effectively ending the moment. “Ok, well, you can stay as long as you like. I’m going to get some work done.”

            Kelley followed her out of the closet. “I’m good, but if ever I need some inspiration, I know where to find it,” she smirked.

            “Shut up,” Hope chided playfully. She sat down at her desk and then looked back at Kelley with concern. “Do you need anything? Refill on your coffee?”

            “No I’m good. I need to call my mother and tell her why two giant boxes are coming to her house,” Kelley told her, moving toward the door. “On second thought, I might need a really stiff drink after this conversation.”

            “I have plenty of wine,” Hope told her. “I’ll open something expensive.”

            “I knew I came to the right place,” Kelley replied as she walked through the doorway, into the hall. Hope watched her go with a feeling of apprehension. She didn’t know where this was going to lead and that scared her. All she knew for sure was that every time Kelley smiled at her, her breath caught in her chest. She shook her head and silently berated herself for not being truthful with Carli.

            When her best friend had asked if she had feelings for Kelley, she should have just said yes.

           


	13. In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reign play Sky Blue FC and Christie comes to town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me apologize to begin with  
> Let me apologize for what I'm about to say  
> But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed  
> And somehow I got caught up in between  
>  \- In Between by Linkin Park

            Kelley sipped her coffee and stared into the gloomy Seattle morning. Even her years on the peninsula hadn’t prepared her for the amount of grey days she had already experienced in Seattle. Hope assured her that the sun would return eventually. She’d have to take her word for it.

            Kelley smiled and stood as Christie entered the café. Christie returned her smile as she made her way around the tables between them. “Oh my god, it’s so good to see you!” Kelley exclaimed happily as her soccer mom enveloped her in a warm hug.

            “Good to see you too kiddo,” Christie replied, rubbing Kelley’s back warmly. Kelley sighed happily. She’d missed her captain.

            After getting her own cup of coffee, the head coach of Sky Blue FC sat down in front of Kelley and smiled affectionately at her. “So how are you?” she asked simply.

            “Hanging in there,” Kelley replied honestly. “Ready to wipe the floor with your asses tonight though.”

            Christie laughed good naturedly and shrugged. “Well aren’t you self-assured?” she asked. “So how are you liking Seattle?”

            “It was a lot at first. The surfing sucks and it was a bit of a whirlwind first month, but the team is amazing and I’m starting to get my bearings,” Kelley admitted.

            “Mh. So how’s living with Hope?” Christie questioned pointedly.

            Kelley sighed and shook her head. “So Pinoe told you huh? It only took like five minutes for you to ask,” Kelley replied.

            “Come on, you know I worry about you. And yes, of course Pinoe told me. She’s worried about you too. And Hope for that matter,” Christie admitted.

            “Yeah, well, really it’s fine. It’s been like two weeks and I won’t be staying there much longer. I really need to get a place of my own,” Kelley told her.

            “Kelley,” Christie sighed. She fixed Kelley with a momma bear stare and tilted her head knowingly.

            Kelley rolled her eyes and complained, “I’m fine, Mom. Really. It’s fine. We’ve talked like adults. She offered to let me stay and I took her up on it because, I don’t know, because Jen and I had just broken up and I needed a change of scenery and Pinoe was driving me nuts with her constant hovering and good mood and adorable happiness.”

            “So you went to Hope’s,” Christie replied skeptically. “Like that was going to fix it.”

            “Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m not 25 anymore. I know what I’m doing,” Kelley shot back, anger creeping into her tone. She swallowed it back and sipped her coffee slowly, trying to calm down.

            “Do you?” Christie asked simply. Her tone was gentle, but her words still cut through Kelley. _Do I?_ she asked herself. She wasn’t sure of the answer.

            Kelley closed her eyes and tilted her head back. She took a deep breath and faced Christie again, “I know you are worried about me and I appreciate that, but really, this is ok. Nothing has happened, nothing is happening, and nothing is going to happen. I swear. I’m fine. We’re… fine. It’s fine.”

            Christie raised a slender eyebrow, “It’s fine?”

            “Yes,” she sighed. “I promise you it’s fine. I don’t know if you’ve seen her in a while, but she’s different now and honestly, so am I. We are cordial, we’re friendly, we are coworkers. That’s it. So yeah, it’s fine. I promise.”

            “Kelley, you know I just want you to be happy. If you say everything is ok, then I will believe you, but I just want you to be careful,” Christie told her sincerely.

            “I will be. I promise Cap. It’s not like before. Thank you for worrying, but you don’t need to worry. I’m not going down that road. There won’t be any pieces to pick up this time,” Kelley assured her, and herself. She was determined not to fall into old patterns again, that much was true. She couldn’t deny that she had some sort of magnetic pull towards Hope, but she was hell bent on staying out of trouble with the former keeper.

            “Ok, I support you. You know that right?” Christie asked. Kelley nodded in response and smiled. “Good. Now tell me all the Reign secrets so we can kick your ass tonight.”

***

            Hope sat down at her desk and began the process of filing away her notes on Sky Blue FC. Christie’s team had given Kop a run for her money, but the Reign had pulled out a 4-2 victory, thanks in part to two goals by their new forward against her old team. Kelley had shined in this game and Hope couldn’t wait to tell her so.

            A soft knock at her office door tore Hope away from her thoughts on the game. She looked up to see Sky Blue FC’s head coach smiling at her. “Harvey told me you were probably still down here,” Christie told her with a smile.

            Hope smiled in return and quickly crossed the small room to greet her old teammate with a hug. “Come in, take a seat,” she offered, gesturing toward the lone chair on the other side of her desk.

            “I never thought I’d find an office smaller than mine, but yours certainly wins,” Christie told her as she settled herself in the chair.

            Hope laughed and replied, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it used to be a custodial closet. It still smells like 409 when it gets stuffy in here.”

            “Wow, that sucks,” Christie said with a chuckle of her own. She shook her head and continued, her voice more serious, “Hey, good game tonight. You guys are looking good already.”

            “Yeah, they’ve been working hard and you guys obviously have too, but I know as much as you’ve missed me, you’re here to talk about Kelley. So let’s get it over with and then we can shoot the shit,” Hope told her bluntly.

            Christie smiled and nodded in acceptance, “Ok, you’re right. I’m here to talk about Kelley, but let the record show that it’s good to see you.”

            Hope nodded her agreement, then pursed her lips in thought. “So I assume you’ve talked to Pinoe and she told you Kelley was staying with me,” Hope said, leaning back in her chair. Her defenses were immediately up. She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves. She knew welcoming Kelley into her home was a risk, but nothing had happened and Hope wasn’t going to let anything happen. She owed that to the both of them.

            “Yes, Megan is concerned about the both of you. And so am I. And so is everyone that cares about the two of you,” Christie replied calmly.

            Hope studied the wall behind Christie and chewed on her bottom lip before answering, “I know what this looks like. I won’t speak for Kelley, but I get why everyone is concerned and I appreciate it. You all think I’m going to hurt her again and I get that, but it’s different now. It’s been three years and a lot has changed. I’m not going to let anything happen. We are friendly and that’s it. I wouldn’t even categorize us as being friends just yet. She just needed a place to stay and I offered.”

            “Let’s be real Hope, when have the two of you ever been just friends?” Christie asked, clear concern for the younger woman coloring her words.

            “Ok, point taken, but that was the past. I know what’s at stake. I know what I’ve done to her and I know I’m not going to let that happen again,” Hope told her former captain. In truth, Hope had been pretty sure this conversation was coming. Christie was the only person who knew about Hope and Kelley’s past who hadn’t reached out yet to add their two cents.

            “Do you really know what you’ve done to her, because I’m not sure that you do. Carli picked up you and I picked up Kelley. Every time. And I really don’t want to have to help her go through that again. Even after the last time, when she supposedly broke up with you, she was devastated. Do you have any idea how hard that was to watch? To hide from the team after you just up and walked away? And when I heard she’d been traded here, just after she had gotten her life all straightened out, my first worry was that you’d fall right back into each other,” Christie replied, frustration growing steadily as she talked.

            Hope hung her head at looked away. She didn’t argue with Christie because she knew she was right. For many years, Hope had let others pick of the pieces of their perpetually broken trysts. She’d known she’d hurt Kelley over and over. Even after the last time, she’d known her own heartbreak meant nothing next to Kelley’s. Hope never cared about what she had put herself through, but her conscious had always been heavy with the weight of the pain she’d caused Kelley, which was exactly why Hope was determined to break their cycle. No matter how strong the pull she felt toward Kelley.

            Hope looked up and met Christie’s eyes, “I’m sorry. For all of it. I know I’ve never said that before to you, but I am. And I know nothing I say is going to fix what’s happened, but thank you for everything you’ve done for her.”

            “I didn’t do it for you Hope, I did it for her,” Christie sighed. Hope nodded gravely, stung by the older woman’s words. “Shit, that’s not what I meant.”

            “No, it is though,” Hope replied quietly. “And it’s ok, I understand. Even though we’ve been through a lot together, you’re always going to side with Kelley. I get that. You have every right to be upset with me. I fucked up so many times. I’ve broken every promise I’ve ever made to you about her. And I left you with the aftermath. I’m sorry Christie, I really am.”

            Christie nodded, “I know you are. And know that I’m not trying to come down hard on you, I’m just looking out for her.”

            “No, I know,” Hope admitted. “I’m not going to sit here and promise you that I’m not going to break her heart because I know how many times we’ve had that conversation. What I will say is that I never want to make her feel like that again and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that I never hurt her again.”

            Christie sat back and crossed her arms. She studied Hope silently for a moment. Hope waited her out, her shoulders back, resolute. Finally, Christie nodded and said, “Kelley was right. There is something different about you.”

            Hope rolled her eyes. “No there’s not. I’m just not a selfish fucking moron anymore,” she replied.

            Christie laughed and smiled, “Ok, ok. Maybe that’s just it. But seriously Hope, I know there will always be this thing between you two. Everyone can see it. I believe you when you say you don’t want to hurt her. Just be careful ok?”

            “I will,” Hope assured her. “I won’t let anything happen. Now can we please talk about something a little less serious? Like how are my two favorite Rampones?”

            “Oh god, I can’t believe I’m old enough to have a teenager in the house. You want to take her for a while? She’s driving me nuts!” Christie pleaded, clearly relieved to move away from the topic of Hope and Kelley’s past.

            Hope laughed and replied that there was no way her little Rylie could be that bad. The conversation shifted from Christie’s kids to their respective teams to speculation about the national team’s chances this year at the upcoming World Cup. All the while, Hope’s own words nagged at her. She had told Christie that she wouldn’t let Kelley get hurt again, but if she was being honest with herself, that was easier said than done.

            Hope knew she had feelings for Kelley. She wasn’t sure exactly when that had happened, or if they had just always been there waiting until Kelley was back in her life, but they were there all the same. And she knew she’d have to fight them, fight the pull towards Kelley, for both their sakes.

 


	14. In My Veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope needs some perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything will change  
> Nothing stays the same  
> Nobody here's perfect  
> Oh, but everyone's to blame  
> Oh, all that you rely on  
> And all that you can save  
> Will leave you in the morning  
> And find you in the day
> 
> Oh, you're in my veins  
> And I cannot get you out  
> \- In My Veins by Andrew Belle

            Hope sipped from her glass and blinked lazily against the night sky. The small waxing crescent of the moon allowed the stars to shine in all their glory. She shivered slightly against the dropping temperature of the spring night and set her glass down gently on the table in front of her. She propped her feet up on the same table and pulled the blanket tighter around her. When she’d first come outside in the dying light of the evening, it had been warmer, but the longer she gazed at the stars, the more the temperature fell away, leaving only the cool night air and her thoughts.

            Hope had come out to the bench swing on her patio, a place quite familiar to her, to chew over the promise she had made to Christie. She knew she was on dangerous ground with Kelley in the house, but in her defense, they were rarely ever home, let alone at the same time. Over the last few weeks, many nights had been spent much like this one, Kelley out with the team and Hope alone with her thoughts and a glass of wine.

            It’s not that she could blame Christie for her position on this, or for being protective of Kelley, it was just that Hope had tried for so long to put this thing with Kelley behind her and now here she was, right back where she was before. And of course, no one believed her when she said she’d never hurt Kelley again. Even Carli, who was more or less pushing Hope toward Kelley at this point, still threatened to kick Hope’s ass if she messed this up.

            _Do this. But make it forever this time moron,_ Carli had text her after she had relayed her conversation with Christie.

            _I don’t know if I can keep from screwing up. I’m hardwired to do so,_ she’d lamented.

            _Woman up Solo,_ Carli had replied, less than helpfully.

            That worry was what nagged her the most. It wasn’t that she didn’t have feelings for Kelley, because she absolutely did, it was that she still believed she was no good for Kelley. Kelley deserved someone who knew she could give her everything. Hope just wasn’t that person. She’d screwed up every relationship she’d ever been in and broken Kelley’s heart numerous times. She wouldn’t let herself do that again.

            As she stared at the stars, trying to pick out the constellations, she thought back to something Kelley had said one night in Vancouver. They were on a rooftop, enjoying the cooling breeze, after winning the group stage of the World Cup. She’d said they were like magnets, destined to be drawn together, and at this moment, she couldn’t agree more.

***

_June 2015_

_Hope breathed in the sweet Vancouver air mixed with the distinct scent of Kelley’s shampoo. She sighed contentedly against Kelley’s forehead and wrapped her arms tighter around the smaller woman. She kissed her head gently and then turned her gaze back up toward the stars. Kelley breathed deeply against Hope’s neck, where she was nuzzled, sending shivers down the keeper’s spine._

_They were sprawled out on the roof of the hotel, atop a blanket and pillows pulled from their respective rooms. It was far after curfew, but they didn’t care. No one would rat them out. Their teammates were all too used to not asking questions when they disappeared and no one dared ask them about it._

_“Are you asleep?” Hope asked quietly._

_“Nope, just thinking,” Kelley responded drowsily._

_“About what?” Hope inquired softly._

_“You. Us. This,” she replied hesitantly. She pulled away from Hope’s embrace and propped herself up on her elbow. She looked down on Hope and licked her lips. “Do you ever wonder how we end up here? We don’t ever talk about it, but it’s this crazy cycle. The more we try to stay away, the more we are drawn together.”_

_“Yeah,” Hope admitted simply, pulling her eyebrows together in question._

_“I just don’t understand how it happens. It’s like we are destined to be together or something. God that sounds corny,” Kelley said, hanging her head, her cheeks pinkening._

_Hope breathed a laugh. “No, I know what you’re saying,” she told Kelley with a soft smile._

_“It’s still corny though,” Kelley told her, meeting her gaze and tilting her head to the side, daring Hope to contradict her._

_Hope’s smile widened. “It’s adorable,” she told her._

_“Ugh, whatever,” Kelley said, poking Hope playfully in the ribs. Hope swatted her away and laughed. Kelley’s returning smile faded slowly and she finally swallowed hard. “But really. No matter what, we find each other. It’s almost like we have some stupid string of fate drawing us together. Ooh! Maybe our souls are destined to be together and in every life we have to find each other.”_

_“Yes, and in this one you are destined to follow me around like a puppy,” Hope teased._

_“Shut up, I’m being serious,” Kelley said, smacking her in the ribs. “Ok, well semi-serious, but still. I don’t know what it is about you Solo. You always pull me into your orbit.”_

_“I’m pretty sure you have that backwards,” Hope told her softly, reaching out to cup Kelley’s face. The younger woman smiled and leaned into her touch._

_“Don’t fall in love with me ok?” Kelley breathed._

_“Mm, too late,” Hope breathed as she pulled Kelley in for a kiss._

***

            Hope smiled at the memory and shook her head. Maybe Kelley was right. Maybe something about them was fate or destiny or magnetic force. She couldn’t deny that she had always been drawn to Kelley, from the moment she met her. She’d never felt that way about anyone, man or woman, and probably never would again. Kelley seemed to be her once in a lifetime, her unicorn, her sun and her stars. She was in her heart, in her soul, in her veins.

            But they could never do it right. There was always something, and Hope felt like there would always be something. Perhaps “star-crossed lovers” was a more apt term than “soulmates” because it seemed like no matter what, they could never win. _Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was an idiot,_ Hope thought to herself.

            Her thoughts were pulled away by the sound of a car in the driveway. She picked up her glass and took another long sip. Maybe Kelley would just go straight to bed, it was getting late after all. Hope listened to the sound of the car door slamming and footsteps walking up the front porch. She set her glass back down on the table as the sliding glass door opened behind her.

            Kelley appeared on the other side of the bench. She gestured toward the open space and asked, “Is this seat taken?”

            “Nope,” Hope smiled back at her. “It’s all yours.” She pulled the edge of the blanket back and Kelley sat down on the bench swing next to her. It rocked gently beneath them. “Blanket?” Hope offered.

            “God yes. It’s freezing out here. How can you stand it?” Kelley asked, grabbing the edges of the blanket and scooting close to Hope.

            Hope laughed and replied, “It’s not that cold.” They weren’t touching, but Hope could feel the contours of Kelley’s body even through her multiple layers of clothing. She swallowed quickly and leaned away from the younger woman slightly.

            If Kelley noticed, she didn’t comment. Instead, she said, “Yeah right. Hope Solo, not cold? My ass. You used to wear three layers in the summertime.”

            Hope nodded and smiled, “Who’s to say I’m not wearing five layers right now?”

            “That’s more like it,” Kelley grinned up at her in satisfaction.

            Hope rolled her eyes playfully. “So how was bowling?” she asked, attempting to change the subject.

            “Good, fun, Pinoe was a pain in the ass,” Kelley told her.

            “Always,” Hope admitted with a snorted chuckle.

            “Yeah she wouldn’t stop talking shit and when her team lost she blamed shoddy craftsmanship on the lane. What an asshole!” Kelley laughed.

            “And you were on her team, weren’t you?” Hope asked playfully, looking down at Kelley with a smirk.

            “God yes, of course I was. She’s so embarrassing!” Kelley lamented, scrunching up her nose.

            Hope laughed again. “Yeah, I figured,” she said, turning her gaze back toward the stars. The silence settled over them. Hope could feel the warmth of Kelley’s body next to her. She was acutely aware that Kelley had shifted closer, but not close enough to touch her. It was maddening.

            “I need to start looking for a place,” Kelley said softly, breaking the silence.

            Hope swallowed thickly and nodded. She’d known it was coming, but she still felt a pang of sadness. She shook it off, chastising herself for being upset that Kelley only stayed with her for a few weeks. “Where are you looking?” she asked.

            “Not sure exactly,” Kelley admitted. “I can’t afford anything downtown, but the outskirts are affordable, if I get a small, one bedroom apartment. I’m too old for roommates.”

            “Yeah, downtown is ridiculous, but a lot of the girls live on the edge of the city. There’s some cute places out there,” Hope responded, leaning on the arm rest and looking back at Kelley.

            “Yeah, that’s what I hear. Thanks again for letting me stay. I know it must have come as… a surprise,” she said quietly, pausing to look back at Hope, a small smile curling the corners of her mouth.

            “I offered. I’m glad you took me up on it,” Hope told her, sincerity filling her words. She took a deep breath. This was her favorite Kelley, the one that let her guard down, the one that spoke softly, and smiled only for her.

            “Me too,” Kelley replied. Her smiled widened briefly, then she turned away, shifting her gaze towards the stars.

            It was funny to Hope that they’d ended up here again. Well, funny in a semi-ironic way. It wasn’t a rooftop, but it might as well have been. It was just them and the stars. Each time they found each other, they also found each other under the stars. Maybe Kelley was right, maybe some other force other than themselves was pushing them together. Hope shook off the thought and breathed out slowly.

            “So,” Kelley prompted. “Here we are again under the stars. What did you need perspective on tonight?”

            Hope looked away and shook her head. “Kell,” she warned quietly.

            “It’s ok, you can tell me. I want us to be friends again,” Kelley said quietly.

            Hope closed her eyes and breathed through her nose. She wasn’t sure how to get out of this. Of course Kelley had known she was out here to think and of course “No Boundaries O’Hara” was going to ask her about it. Her intuition was one of the things she had always loved about Kelley, but this time it was working against her.

            “I want us to be friend again, but…” Hope trailed off.

            “But what?” Kelley asked, turning back toward her. Her hazel eyes held a hint of concern.

            “We’ve never been that simple,” Hope said, almost in a whisper, meeting Kelley’s eyes.

            “True, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell me what’s bothering you. What do you need perspective on?” Kelley replied with conviction, determination evident on her face.

            Hope took a deep breath, she let the silence fall over them for a brief moment before whispering, “You.”

            “What?” Kelley drew out the word, confusion clouding her eyes.

            “You. I need perspective about you,” Hope admitted, willing herself not to look away. She saw a wave of emotion crash over Kelley. Confusion led to surprise, which led to understanding.

            “Oh,” she breathed. The air around them grew heavy with all the emotions they’d never talked about and all the history they’d shared.

            Hope broke their eye contact and took one last look at the stars. She stood up and dropped the blanket in the empty space she had vacated. She picked up her glass and turned back to Kelley, “Goodnight Kell,” she said softly.

            “Goodnight,” Kelley replied automatically as Hope walked away. Hope could feel Kelley’s eyes watching her as she retreated toward the slider. Her heart was heavy as she blinked back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. She was glad that Kelley hadn’t decided to follow her.

 


	15. The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope helps Kelley move into her new apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bed's getting cold and you're not here  
> The future that we hold is so unclear  
> But I'm not alive until you call  
> And I'll bet the odds against it all  
> Save your advice cuz I won't hear  
> You might be right but I don't care  
> There's a million reasons why I should give you up  
> But the heart wants what it wants  
>  \- The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez

            “Ugh, this is supposed to be a recovery day O’Hara. A recovery day with recovering. Not a ‘lug a bunch of shit up a flight of stairs multiple times’ day,” Pinoe complained, setting a large box in the stack in the corner.

            “Oh my god, quit your bitching. Harvey pulled you in the 60th minute because you were dragging ass like an old lady,” Hope told her, setting her own load down on top of Pinoe’s.

            “I am an old lady! And if I’m old, you’re ancient. They might as well put you in a museum,” Pinoe shot back. Hope snorted and shook her head.

            “Good comeback babe. I’m really proud of you,” Sera said sarcastically. “Besides, you agreed to this. I, for one, am happy to help you Kelley in any way I can. And I will drag Megan along with me, so help me god.”

            “Thanks Sera,” Kelley said, straining to move the couch by herself.

            “Thanks Sera,” Pinoe mocked her. Sera smacked Pinoe on the arm and Kelley stuck her tongue out at her.

            “Hey, let me help you with that,” Hope offered. Kelley nodded and together they moved the couch into place in the middle of the open room. They’d been moving Kelley’s stuff into her new second story apartment all afternoon. There were only a few more loads in the truck and then she could reward everyone with pizza and beer.

            “Thanks,” Kelley told her with a smile. Hope nodded and headed out back down the stairs to grab another load. Sera followed her out.

            Pinoe hung back and turned to Kelley, “What’s with you two?” she asked quickly.

            “Nothing, I don’t know. It’s been weird lately,” Kelley admitted. The truth was that Kelley knew exactly what was going on between them, she just didn’t feel like explaining it to Pinoe. Hope had all but admitted that she had feelings for Kelley that night in her backyard. It had taken Kelley by surprise and she knew that she could have reacted better. She should have said something or followed her or not let it get weird, but she hadn’t and now she was constantly kicking herself.

            “Bullshit,” Pinoe told her as she walked toward the door. “You just don’t want to tell me.”

            Wordlessly Kelley followed her down the stairs, toward the moving truck. The truth was, she didn’t want to tell Pinoe. Mostly because she didn’t want her opinion. It seemed like the longer the was in Seattle, the more people told her how to live her life. She was sick of it, even though she knew they meant well, and they brought up good points.

            Kelley walked up to the back of the truck and pulled the box Hope had set down on the edge toward her body in preparation of picking it up. “How many are left?” she asked the older woman, who was moving boxes from the back of the truck.

            “Three,” she said with a grunt. She didn’t meet Kelley’s eyes as she pushed the box toward the edge of the truck.

            “Kay,” Kelley replied and headed toward the stairs, the box heavy in her arms. It had been like this ever since that night a few weeks ago. Hope had more or less admitted that she had feelings for Kelley, in her own special way, and Kelley had gaped at her. The memory made Kelley cringe. It was just that Hope had caught her off guard. She’d buried the idea of Hope ever having feelings for her again so deep that she had convinced herself hell would freeze over before that happened.

            She’d been wrong, obviously, and it had been weird ever since. Hope had been polite of course, but she was clearly pretending like it never happened. She wouldn’t hold eye contact with Kelley and she did her damnedest not to be alone with Kelley. Truth be told she wasn’t the only one avoiding the topic. Kelley had spent a lot of time with the team and apartment hunting over the last few weeks, trying to figure out what she wanted. When she’d asked Hope if she could help her move, the former keeper had immediately said yes. Kelley had felt guilty because of it, as if she was taking advantage of Hope. But really, it was just good timing. It had taken her this long to formulate a plan.

            “Ok, that’s everything,” Pinoe said, bringing in the last box. “Is it beer thirty yet?”

            Kelley laughed and nodded, “The beer is the only thing that’s been unpacked so far. Help yourself. I’m gonna call for pizza soon.”

            “Sweet!” Pinoe exclaimed and made a beeline for the kitchen.

            “Hey while we’re in there, we can start organizing kitchenware,” Sera said following her.

            Hope laughed as she heard Pinoe’s complaints from the kitchen. “So,” she said, turning to Kelley, her eyes still making only fleeting contact, “What else can I help with?”

            “Know anything about electronics?” Kelley asked, moving toward the boxes next to the TV. “I can’t ever seem to get the cords hooked up right.”

            “Sure,” Hope shrugged. “Let me see what I can do.” She opened the box and pulled out Kelley’s Xbox and a handful of cords. “Hm, when’s the cable guy coming?”

            “Not until tomorrow,” Kelley said, moving her way to the bedroom, picking up a box of sheets as she walked.

            “No promises,” Hope yelled after her. Kelley smiled as she heard Hope muttering about HDMI ports and the stupidity of badly placed outlets.

            Kelley set the box down inside her room and sighed. She opened it up and rummaged through it, pulling out a bed skirt and a set of sheets. She let her mind wander as she struggled to get the bed skirt in between the box spring and mattress of her new bed. She wanted very badly to fix this thing, whatever it was, between herself and Hope. She just wasn’t exactly sure how. It seemed like a good idea to get Hope to help her move so that they would have to spend a bunch of time together, but Hope still wouldn’t look at her.

            To make matters worse, Kelley couldn’t get ahold on how she felt about Hope. Since they met, no one had ever made Kelley feel how she felt about Hope, but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. They had always been fire and then rain. She knew it hadn’t exactly been a healthy relationship, but she wondered if it could be different now that circumstances were different. Now that they were different.

            Kelley was sweating by the time she successfully wedged the bed skirt under the mattress. She grunted as she pushed the mattress back into place. She sighed and plopped down on the bed, vowing to rest only for a second.

            “Hey Pinoe!” she yelled, with her arm draped over her eyes.

            “What!” came the reply from the kitchen.

            “Call for pizza!” she shouted back.

            “Why do I have to do it?” Pinoe responded loudly.

            “Cuz you are the only person here who I know isn’t actually doing anything!” Kelley retorted loudly.

            “Hey!” Pinoe yelled indignantly. Laughs from Hope and Sera made Kelley smile. “Ugh fine! What do you want?”

            “Don’t care. Something edible,” Kelley shouted back, her body relaxing into the mattress. She knew she should get up and finish making the bed, but couldn’t quite bring herself to do it.

            “Then I’m getting anchovies!” Pinoe replied to a chorus of discontent from the rest of the house.

            “No, you’re not. Most pizza places don’t even have anchovies,” Kelley countered.

            “You obviously haven’t been in Seattle that long,” Pinoe said with a laugh.

            “Oh my god, knock it off and just order a combo!” Kelley heard Sera yell from the kitchen. Kelley smiled again as she heard Hope laugh and Pinoe grumble about how no one let her have any fun.

            Kelley sighed as she thought about Hope’s laugh. She’d always loved Hope’s laugh. Mostly because Hope hadn’t always been as carefree with it. It was something you had to earn, just like her trust and her smile.

            “Hey, you ok?” Kelley’s thoughts were interrupted by Hope’s voice from the doorway.

            Kelley quickly sat up and blinked her exhaustion away. “Yeah, totally. Just taking a breather. Who knew making the bed was so damn hard?” she asked.

            Hope smiled and nodded. “It’s never been my favorite chore,” she replied.

            “Are you any good at it?” Kelley asked, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

            “I’m passable. Why? Are you asking for help?” Hope asked, eyebrow raised in amusement. Kelley’s smile widened and she nodded. Hope rolled her eyes and relented, “Fine, but that means you need to get up.”

            Kelley jumped off the bed and grabbed the sheets off of the floor. “So? Any luck with the Xbox?” she asked, throwing Hope a side of the mattress cover.

            “Yep, I worked my magic,” Hope told her, bending over to fit the cover around the edge of the mattress. “Is this a new bed?”

            Kelley swallowed, caught off guard by the question. “Uh, yeah,” she stammered. “I bought it the other day. I haven’t actually owned one for a while, so unless I wanted to sleep on the floor, it was time.”

            “Looks comfy,” Hope said nonchalantly, picking up the fitted sheet off of the floor and throwing a corner of it across the bed to Kelley.

            Kelley swallowed thickly and shrugged, “Well we’ll see.” Her eyes widen slightly at her insinuation and she focused on wrapping the fitted sheet around the nearest corner of the mattress. She could have sworn she heard Hope snicker lightly. They made quick work of the rest of the bed in silence and Kelley soon followed Hope out of the bedroom, eager to escape the mounting tension or awkwardness or whatever it was that was in the room with them.

            The doorbell rang a short time later and Kelley was spared from making small talk with Hope by the arrival of food. The group happily ate and drank beer and listened to Sera and Pinoe bicker about their adorable home life. Soon after the pizza was gone and the beer had mostly been drunk, Sera and Pinoe excused themselves, citing Pinoe’s old lady bedtime as the reason.

            Hope tidied up the kitchen as Kelley saw them out. When she returned to the kitchen Hope looked like she was also ready to leave. “Hey! Want to finish your beer over a game of FIFA?”

            Hope raised her eyebrows. “Do you really think you can beat me at virtual soccer?” she clarified.

            “I know I can beat you at virtual soccer Solo,” Kelley taunted, pulling out two controllers. She handed one to Hope and plopped down on the couch.

            Hope set her beer down on the coffee table and sat on the other end of the couch. She watched the game boot up on the screen and chuckled, “FIFA 16?”

            “What? It’s the only edition I have. We got it for free! And it has all my favorite people in it,” Kelley shrugged and smiled.

            “Ok fine,” Hope laughed. “I get to play white jerseys.”

            “Ok fine,” Kelley retorted, “I get you!”

            “Fine, I’ll take Ash. And you,” Hope smiled sweetly.

            “Me?” Kelley laughed. “I had like a rating of 80 in this version.”

            “82 actually. And now your rating is?” Hope asked, teasingly.

            “88 and proud of it!” Kelley responded adamantly.

            “It’s not the players in the game, but the player of the game Kell,” Hope said, tilting her head sarcastically at Kelley.

            Kelley smirked at her and winked, “Just remember this for later: don’t hate the playa, hate the game.”

            “Alright trash talker, let’s see if your game matches your mouth,” Hope replied, leaning forward, letting her competitive nature get the better of her.

            “Bring it Yolo!” Kelley said, hitting the start button. The trash talking continued throughout the game. Each time someone scored, the stakes grew. Nearing the end, the game stalled at three all.

            With two minutes left in the game, Hope made a breakaway with virtual O’Hara, slipping past the defense and putting one perfectly in the corner of the net past her own virtual self. Hope dropped the controller on the table and raised her hands in triumph. The virtual O’Hara celebrated with her teammates on the screen, mocking the actual O’Hara.

            “Shit!” Kelley grumbled. She rested her head on the back of the couch as Hope hooted in victory. She played the remaining minutes frantically, but to no avail. At the end of stoppage time, Hope had won.

            Hope set the controller back down on the coffee table and took a last swig of her beer. She set the empty bottle down on the table with an “ah” and smirked at Kelley. “What were you saying about kicking my ass O’Hara?” she asked.

            “Rematch? Best two out of three?” Kelley pleaded, eager to beat her former teammate.

            Hope laughed and faced Kelley, finally making sustained eye contact. “You lost fair and square, to yourself, might I add,” she said with a smirk.

            “You beat me, all because you let in that goal! No fair! You were working together!” Kelley pouted, refusing to tear her eyes away from Hope’s

            “How do you figure I accomplished that?” Hope asked with a laugh, looking at Kelley semi-adoringly, or what Kelley hoped was adoringly.

            “Magic? You’re the great Hope Solo. Kicking ass and taking hearts,” Kelley replied, her voice slowing at the end, allowing Hope to interpret her words however she liked.

            Hope swallowed thickly. Her eyes flicked briefly to Kelley’s lips before she licked her own. Kelley’s stomach dropped and she held her breath, hoping the moment wouldn’t end. “I, um,” Hope started hesitantly. She cleared her throat and shook her head. “I should go.”

            Kelley let out a long breath and nodded, “Yeah.” Hope turned quickly and got up from the couch. Kelley slowly stood up, her muscles protesting in fatigue, and watched as Hope collected her keys and phone. She waited until Hope had gotten closer to the door before launching herself at her. Hope had barely turned to say goodbye when Kelley slipped her arms around her waist and rested her head against her shoulder. “Thank you,” she said softly, her words partially muffled by Hope’s hoodie.

            Kelley held her breath until she felt Hope slowly put her arms around her. “For what?” Hope whispered, leaning her head down toward Kelley’s ear. Kelley felt Hope’s pulse quicken against her cheek, as Hope seemingly realized that this was the first time they’d embraced since Rio. Kelley was amazed at how familiar it felt and shocked that Hope hadn’t pulled away yet.

            “For being here, for helping, for letting me stay with you, for everything you’ve done since I got here,” Kelley told her, mumbling quietly against her neck. She tightened her grip around Hope’s waist, reveling in the moment, the rightness that she felt wrapped up in Hope’s arms. “You didn’t have to and I know that.”

            Hope nodded gently and quietly replied, “You’re welcome.”

            Hope’s grip around Kelley loosened and Kelley knew it was now or never. She pulled back slightly, still in Hope’s embrace, but just enough to look up at her. She could see the nervousness in Hope’s eyes and decided in that moment that no matter what, Hope was worth fighting for.

            “Stay,” she whispered, meeting Hope’s nervous eyes.

            A thousand thoughts ran across Hope’s face before she shook her head slightly. “Kell,” she breathed. It was a warning, a whisper, a plea.

            Kelley wouldn’t take that for an answer and brought her hand up to rest on Hope’s cheek. She felt Hope’s sharp intake of breath and stood up on her tiptoes, invading the older woman’s personal space. She stopped just short of meeting Hope’s lips, an echo of their first kiss. She prayed that Hope would close the gap, hoping that her gamble would pay off, just like it did all those years ago.

            Her heart stopped as Hope’s lips finally met hers. Softly at first, hesitantly, and then with more force as Hope pulled her in closer. Kelley let her hand wrap around Hope’s neck, unwilling to let her get away. She parted her lips, taking Hope’s lower lip lightly between her own. Her stomach flipped as Hope let out a faint whimper. Their noses brushed gently as they switched sides. Kelley tried desperately to stay calm as they kissed, pleading with herself internally not to fuck this up. _Go slow. Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up. Jesus fucking Christ, don’t fuck this up. Please do not fuck this up._

            She lost all sense of herself as her tongue gently flicked against Hope’s and a low moan escaped her. _Shit!_ She pushed her body closer to Hope’s in an attempt to distract her, but she felt Hope start to pull away. It had been enough to spook her. _No! Shit! God damn it._ Kelley chastised herself as their lips drew apart slowly and Hope rested her forehead against Kelley’s. She knew the slightest misstep would break the spell and she kicked herself for losing her senses in the moment. And just like with their first kiss, this one had ended when Kelley had pushed for more.

            “Kell,” Hope breathed again, this time much more resolute. “We can’t.”

            “Hope-” Kelley started, but Hope unwrapped her arms from around Kelley and placed her hands on her shoulders. She held Kelley in place as she took a step back, forcing Kelley to let go of her hold on Hope.

            “I’m sorry,” Hope said quietly, her voice thick. She crossed her arms over her chest, her shoulders curling in. Kelley knew that look. She hated that look, the look of defeat. “We can’t do this.”

            “Why not Hope?” Kelley asked directly, resting her hands on her hips. She stared at Hope, jaw clenched, daring her to meet her eyes.

            “Because we don’t work. We never work. How many times have we done this? And it always ends the same way. I promised you and a thousand other people that it would never happen again. That I wouldn’t hurt you. So we can’t do this,” Hope told her, finally looking up at Kelley. Her look was pleading, begging for Kelley not to push her.

            Kelley was not about to be deterred that easily. “But it’s different now! We’re different now. Everything is different now. This can work,” she shot back, desperately trying to change Hope’s mind.

            Hope shook her head. “But it’s not. Not really. We never do this right. We haven’t once ever done this right. We just don’t work. And I won’t hurt you again. I’m sorry Kelley, I’m sorry,” she replied, her voice cracking on the final apology. Hope turned quickly and opened the door. She’d fled out the door and was halfway down the stairs before Kelley could even move.

            “Hope!” Kelley called after her, following her trail out the door. By the time Kelley had gotten to the top step, Hope was down the stairs, practically jogging to her car. Kelley watched her get into her car and sighed, “Goodnight Hope.”

            She stood at the top of the stairs long after the taillights from Hope’s SUV had disappeared from view. Finally, she shook her head and went back inside. She busied herself with collecting their empty beer bottles from the coffee table and let her mind wander. If she was being truthful, she knew at least some of what Hope had said was true. They hadn’t worked in the past and they hadn’t ever done it right, but Kelley wasn’t convinced that it couldn’t be different now. That they couldn’t find a way to do it right. She just had to convince Hope that they could.


	16. Let Her Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pinoe comes down to have a chat with Hope about Kelley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Staring at the bottom of your glass  
> Hoping one day you'll make a dream last  
> But dreams come slow and they go so fast
> 
> You see her when you close your eyes  
> Maybe one day you'll understand why  
> Everything you touch surely dies   
>  \- Let Her Go by Passenger

            Hope sucked on the end of her upside down spoon in thought. She stuck it back into the yogurt container and rooted around for the remaining bit of her lunch. Her mind had wandered for the last three days to the moment she had shared with Kelley. Most of it was either rehashing their exchange or calling herself a fucking idiot.

            She sighed through her nose as she shook her head. She should have never let it get to that point. She should have left earlier with Sera and Pinoe instead of staying and hanging out with Kelley alone. She couldn’t trust herself around Kelley and she knew better. She stood by what she told Kelley, that they had never done it right and just didn’t work, but it took everything in her not to throw Kelley against the wall and kiss her so passionately that-

            Hope’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her office door and a bleach blonde head poking in. “Sup Solo? Got a sec?” Pinoe asked.

            “Sure, have a seat,” Hope responded, finally giving up on the dregs left in the plastic yogurt container.

            Pinoe shut the door behind her, which caused Hope to raise an eyebrow, and took the seat across from Hope. She leaned back in the chair and paused for a second before pointedly asking, “What did you do?”

            Hope’s heartrate sped up nervously, but she calmly responded, “You are going to need to be more specific.”

            “Ok fine, we will play it that way. What happened after we left the other night?” Pinoe clarified.

            “Nothing,” Hope said emphatically, raising her eyebrows, daring Pinoe to question her.

            Pinoe predictably obliged. “Bullshit. Something happened. You guys have been avoiding each other like the goddamn plague all week. People are noticing. Now spill. What the hell happened?” she pushed.

            “Fuck,” Hope sighed and leaned back in her chair. She looked away, measuring her words, before answering, “We kissed, I freaked, I ran out. End of story.”

            “For fuck’s sake Hope!” Pinoe replied loudly, throwing her hands in the air. “When are you going to get your shit together?”

            “Pinoe! What the hell do you want me to do? I promised everyone that I wouldn’t hurt her again. We can’t do this! It won’t work out,” Hope argued, her voice rising to match Pinoe’s, her heart beating faster in equal parts shame and anger.

            “You don’t know that! It’s been a long time. You are better than that. You’re not going to hurt her. Can you stop being self-deprecating for like five fucking seconds and realize that you guys are perfect together and you’re literally throwing your happiness down the shitter?” Pinoe shot back.

            “Get out,” Hope replied calmly, her jaw clenching in simmering anger.

            “No fuck you. You need to hear this,” Pinoe replied simply, returning her clench with a locked jaw of her own.

            Hope attempted to stare her down and lost. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. She sighed loudly and shook her head, “Megan, we just don’t work ok? We’ve tried so many times and every time I find some way to fuck it up. I wish it could be different, but it can’t. No matter what’s happened, I’m still me. I will fuck this up.”

            “Yeah with that shitty attitude you will. God Hope, you’re so fucking frustrating. Wake up! The kid is into you! You’re into her! Oh my god, go with it! Why can’t you just let yourself be fucking happy?” Pinoe pushed angrily.

            “Because I don’t deserve it ok? And she doesn’t deserve what I’d eventually do to her. I can’t change who I am no matter how hard I try. I’m a fuck up. I fuck up. I’m shitty at relationships and feelings and love. I can’t ok? I just can’t,” Hope told her, leaning forward in her chair, her hand emphasizing every point against the desk in front of her.

            “Back up. Just tell me what happened for real,” Pinoe demanded, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

            Hope sighed and responded, “You left, we played video games, we had an almost moment, I got up to leave, she practically tackled me, and then she asked me to stay. I almost lost my shit and then she kissed me. So we sorta made out for a second and then I flipped out. I told her we don’t work and we couldn’t do this and then I literally ran out of her house.”

            “Smooth,” Pinoe responded, shaking her head.

            “No shit right?” Hope snorted a laugh, nodding away her embarrassment.

            The conversation stalled briefly. Hope looked at the door, thinking back to the moment Kelley asked her to stay. “Why did you run?” Pinoe asked simply, pulling her out of her memory.

            “I just told you why,” Hope said, leaning forward on her elbows and framing her face with her hand.

            “Yeah, no. That’s what you told her. Why did you really run? What’s the real reason?” Pinoe clarified.

            Hope shook her head and closed her eyes. “I love her,” she muttered quietly. She swallowed against the sudden emotion rising in her throat. She’d admitted it to herself weeks ago, sitting outside under the stars, but she’d kept it to herself. Telling Megan made it too real.

            “You love her?” Pinoe asked skeptically. “Do you really? Because all this pushing her away doesn’t seem like it.”

            Hope sat up forcefully and stared her down. Her jaw clenched as she willed herself not to blow up on Pinoe. She was angry because she knew Pinoe’s logic was sound, but she stood by her conviction, “Yes, I love her. I know I love her because I can’t stop thinking about her. I think about her every time a stupid love song comes on the radio. I think about her every time I watch film on a scrappy young player we are trying to recruit. I think about her every night that I sit outside looking up at the stars. I can’t stop looking at her and smiling at her and laughing with her. I can’t stop feeling something every time she looks at me and I know that no one else on earth has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel. I am in love with her and that’s why I can’t be with her.”

            “Because you think you’ll hurt her,” Pinoe supplied, crossing her arms and raising her eyebrows in disagreement.

            “Because I know I will hurt her,” Hope corrected quietly, leaning back in her chair in defeat. She looked away from Pinoe, trying to ignore the feeling of despair that threatened to overtake her.

            “So you are just going to reject her and hurt yourself instead?” Pinoe asked sarcastically.

            “No, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure this doesn’t get to that point. I’m not trying to reject her, I’m trying to- ugh! Fucking A! I have no idea! I don’t know how to stop this,” Hope growled angrily. She hated the confusion she felt where Kelley was concerned. She was tired of wanting something so bad, yet being the person that wouldn’t allow it to happen. It just made her hate herself.

            “Maybe that’s the point. Maybe you can’t stop this. Maybe you shouldn’t,” Pinoe replied sympathetically.

            “No, that’s not the answer-“ Hope was cut off by a knock at the door. They looked at each other and Hope shrugged. “Come in,” she called.

            Kelley opened the door slowly and poked half of her body in. “Hey am I interrupting? I heard you guys arguing.”

            Hope shot Pinoe a pointed look and responded, “Um, no we’re fine. Just a minor disagreement.” Pinoe snorted loudly in disparity. “What’s up?”

            “Um, I was actually looking for Pinoe,” Kelley responded, entering the room hesitantly. She stepped through the threshold and crossed her arms over her chest, glancing up at Hope briefly. Hope tried to ignore the fluttering in her stomach as Kelley’s eyes momentarily met hers.

            “Hey, well we’re done here for now, so I’m all yours,” Pinoe said, pushing up from her chair.

            “No, no, I just have a quick question. No big deal. Actually, it makes sense to ask you too Hope. I just didn’t know if you’d still be around or whatever. And I heard Pinoe was down here so I decided to see if I could find her. So yeah…” Kelley rambled nervously before training off.

            Pinoe plopped back down in the chair and smirked, “What can I do you for O’Hara?”

            “Yeah, so, I’m like trying to get to know the city or whatever and was wondering if you can tell me some like must visit places to go. Like either alone or with, you know, people. I mean I’ve been here a couple of times before, well before I moved here, not that I’ve gotten out much. Like I’ve been to the market with all the fish and stuff, but what’s like quintessential Seattle?” Kelley asked, her eyes darting back and forth uncomfortably between Hope and Pinoe.

            Hope fought back a wave of confusion and uncertainty as she watched Kelley ramble on. Very rarely was Kelley nervous, although she did a fair bit or rambling regularly. She kept quiet as Pinoe’s smirk widened and she laughed at Kelley’s long winded question.

            “Dude, you’ve been here for like a month. What the hell have you been doing this whole time?” Pinoe asked with a laugh.

            “I dunno, my job?” Kelley shot back sarcastically.

            “Alright, fair enough. So yeah, Pike’s Place Market is a must and of course the Space Needle. The zoo is fun if you like that sort of thing and we like the art museum, although the children’s museum may be more your speed. Right Hope?” Pinoe asked, turning to Hope.

            “Um, yeah,” Hope responded noncommittally. “If you haven’t been to the top of the Space Needle, I’d start there.”

            “I thought you were afraid of heights,” Pinoe asked Hope, turning to her with a raised eyebrow.

            Hope rolled her eyes and replied, “I’m afraid of flying, not heights. Totally not the same thing.”

            “Hm, well you learn something new every day,” Pinoe said with an exaggerated shrug and shot a look to Hope. Hope returned the look with a warning look of her own in hopes of shutting Pinoe up. The midfielder just winked at her and turned her attention back to Kelley, who was looking between them quizzically.

            “Ok, Space Needle, zoo, art museum. I’ll, um, start there. Uh, thanks guys. I heard there was like a restaurant up there, is that true?” Kelley inquired. She raised her eyebrows at Pinoe.

            “Yep, it’s pretty fancy. Great place for a date,” Pinoe said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

            Hope’s stomach dropped as Kelley swallowed thickly and her eyes darted nervously in Hope’s direction. Kelley brushed it off with a strangled laugh and it seemed to Hope as if she was now refusing to look her way. “Yeah, well thanks for the tip. I, uh, gotta go. I’ll see you guys later,” she said quickly, heading for the door. Hope watched her retreating figure, confusion still clouding her thoughts on the exchange.

            They shared a look after the door shut behind Kelley. Hope finally looked away and shook her head. “What do you think that was about?” Pinoe asked, somewhat hesitantly.

            “Don’t know, but it was awkward,” Hope said quietly. She swallowed the hurt and confusion that welled in her throat and leaned back in her chair.

            “You think she…” Pinoe paused and scrunched her eyebrows together. “Do you think she met someone?”

            Hope sighed sadly. Pinoe had voiced her own thoughts. Hope chastised herself for the twinge of jealously that sprang up. Kelley deserved to be happy and Hope had made it clear that they couldn’t be together. It was better that Kelley moved on and moved on quickly. She swallowed and replied, “I don’t know. I hope so. That would make this all go so much easier.”

            “Hope,” Pinoe said quietly, her voice full of concern.

            “No, it’s ok. I have to let her go,” Hope


	17. My Heart is Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope gets a letter from Kelley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're scared, I can feel it  
> It's in the air, I know you feel that, too  
> But take a chance on me, you won't regret it 
> 
> One more no and I'll believe you  
> I'll walk away and I will leave you be  
> And that's the last time you'll say "No", say "No" to me
> 
> It won't take me long to find another lover but I want you  
> I can't spend another minute getting over loving you  
> \- My Heart is Open by Maroon 5 ft Gwen Stefani

            Hope entered the bar and nodded to Pinoe and Sera, who were posted up at a high top table in the corner. Pinoe waved her over eagerly and Hope caught Sera shooting Pinoe an exasperated look. When she reached them, she noticed they’d already gone through a round of drinks.

            “Hey I know I’m late, but I’m not that late. You guys started without me?” she asked, hanging her purse on the back of the elevated chair and hoisting herself up into the seat.

            Pinoe grinned devilishly. “Oh we’re not staying. These are for you,” she said pushing a full shot glass and what Hope imagined was a vodka tonic in front of her.

            She looked at Pinoe quizzically and then down at the two drinks placed before her. Sera rolled her eyes and shook her head in amusement as Pinoe’s grinned widened with Hope’s confusion. “What’s going on Pinoe?” Hope asked nervously. A smirking Pinoe was never a good thing.

            “Well you have a choice my dear and I _hope_ you pick the right one,” Pinoe told her, emphasizing her name dramatically.

            Hope suppressed an eye roll and looked to Sera, “No really, what’s going on?”

            Sera shook her head and slid off her chair. “Megan will explain, but I hope you follow your heart Hope. You both deserve happiness,” she said with a smile and patted Hope on the arm. Hope watched her weave through the high top tables in the bar toward the door.

            When she turned around to ask Pinoe for the third time what was happening, she was surprised to find her holding out a cream envelope. “This is for you,” she said simply.

            Hope hesitated when she saw her name written on the front of the envelop in Kelley’s familiar scrawl. She swallowed anxiously and took the envelope from Pinoe’s outstretched hand. She turned it over in her hands and stared at her own name. She felt the heaviness of the letter in her hands, as if it was so much more than the weight of the paper and the ink. She looked up at Pinoe finally and asked, “Megan what is this?”

            “I’m not sure,” Pinoe replied quietly, shaking her head. “But you have a choice. Take a shot and read it or ignore it and continue to drown your sorrows in the glass.”

            Hope huffed a laugh in spite of the seriousness of the moment, “That was very melodramatic.”

            “Sometimes I think that’s my middle name!” Pinoe responded, sharing the laugh. Hope looked down at the envelope and bit her lip. Pinoe quietly pushed the shot glass of amber liquid in her direction. “Hey, take a chance. You don’t give yourself enough credit Hope. You are not the person you were then. You are such an amazing version of yourself and you deserve to be happy. You love her and I’m pretty sure she loves you. All you have to do is let all those old hang ups go.”

            Hope pursed her lips and knit her eyebrows together, attempting to see Kelley’s words through the sealed envelope. Pinoe waited quietly for Hope respond. Finally, she said, “I wish it was that simple.”

            “You’re the only person not making it simple. There’s no reason this can’t work. Take a chance Hope. Please for the love of god, take a chance. And not just because I want to take more of Kling’s money,” she argued.

            Hope huffed a laugh and sat back in her chair. She tapped the envelope against the table and nodded to Pinoe. “I get a cut of that if you actually collect right?” she smirked, looking up at Pinoe.

            “We’ll negotiate that point later,” Pinoe replied with a smile. She gracefully slid off of the tall chair and stood eye level with Hope. “You said you couldn’t be with her because you’d hurt her and you guys had never done this right. So do it right this time.”

            Hope nodded thoughtfully and thanked her. Pinoe patted Hope on the shoulder supportively and then headed for the door, leaving Hope alone with the letter and her choice. She held it in front of her and once again stared at her own name. _Hope._ For not the first time in her life, she laughed at the meaning of own name. She liked the look of it written in Kelley’s hand. It was at the same time a beacon and an embrace. She felt the warm tendrils of hope fill her heart as she blinked back the moisture in her eyes. It struck her as tragically funny that she’d never let herself feel the emotion that was her namesake when it came to Kelley.

            She set the letter down on the table and reached for the shot glass. She held it out in front of her and let loose a long breath. _Here’s to hoping,_ she thought as the touched the cool glass to her bottom lip and tilted it back with conviction.

            As the burn of the whiskey dissipated in her throat, Hope picked up the letter and nodded to herself. She quickly turned it over and ran her finger under the seal in an attempt keep her nerve. She pulled out a single folded sheet of cream paper. She swallowed nervously and her hands shook slightly as she pulled open the letter.

_Hope-_

_I love you._

            Hope set the letter back down on the table and covered her hands with her face. She let a strangled laugh escape her and shook her head at her own reaction. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, but Kelley starting off with a profession of love wasn’t it. She moved her hands to the side of her face and stared down at the letter. It was just like Kelley to get that out of the way at the start so that she didn’t keep Hope wondering. She loosed a relieved sigh and willed her heart to stop beating so hard in her chest. She picked the letter back up and started over.

_Hope-_

_I love you._

_I figured I should just say that now and get it over with. I’ve started this letter a million ways and that’s the only one that felt right. It’s important to me that you know that I love you. I love the you that you are right now. Not the you from before, but this you. Because that old love is over. We both know it. Who we were then is not who we are now and that love has been grieved. It’s in the past. This thing that we are dancing around is because of this amazing new beginning that we were granted._

_A long time ago on a rooftop not that far away I told you that maybe we were destined to be together and you said some crap about me following you around like a puppy in this life. Do you remember that? More than ever I feel like that’s true. That’s why I feel like we need to give this a chance. We never had the opportunity to try this for real before. There was too much in the way. But now we can. The timing is finally right and I want to do this the right way._

_That day that I first walked past your door, I was nervous about seeing you. I had all these fears about you not wanting to see me after everything that had happened, but then I walked past your door and you looked up at me and it was like seeing you for the first time. In that moment I hoped that we could actually start over and leave our past in the past._

_I don’t know when it happened, but at some point over the last few months I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you. I know you may not have realized that and that’s why you freaked out and ran out of my door, but it’s true. I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I love how you went out of your way to make sure I felt welcomed. I love how you have been honest with me about everything in our past. I love how you support me and help me be a better person and a better player. I love how you welcomed me into your home even though it could have been awkward. I love how you walked after me when I was upset. I love the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking. And I love the way you say my name. I love you because you are caring and kind and insightful and self-deprecating and funny and cocky and dorky and humble and apologetic and ridiculously beautiful._

_More than anything I want to be with you. I want to wake up next to you. I want to hold your hand as we walk around. I want to sit on the deck and look at the stars with you. I want to smile at you from across the room in team meetings. I want to sit around on Sundays and watch you yell at the TV over football. I want to cook dinner with you and have you marvel at my knife skills. I want to kiss you until you forget your name and taste every inch of your body. I want to be with you in all the ways we never could before._

_So let’s do this right. Please. I love you and I know you love me. So let’s give this a chance. If we get hurt, then we get hurt, but this time we know what we are getting ourselves into. I know we can work Hope. I know we can be amazing. But we have to try. I want to try. We can start slow and be together for real. Long ago I accused you of not fighting for us. That wasn’t fair because I didn’t fight for us either. So I’m fighting for us now, but you have to meet me halfway. Please say yes. Please take this chance with me._

_If you’re ready, I’m waiting for you at the top of the Space Needle._

_Kelley_


	18. Your Love is a Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With my eyes wide open   
> I've got my eyes wide open   
> I've been keeping my hopes unbroken, yeah 
> 
> Your love is a symphony   
> All around me   
> Running through me   
> Your love is a melody   
> Underneath me   
> Running to me 
> 
> Your love is a song   
> Yeah, yeah   
> Your love is my remedy   
> Oh your love is a song  
>  \- Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot

            Kelley stuck her hands in her pockets and pulled her jean jacket in closer around her. The sun was starting to set and the wind had picked up, bringing with it cool air from the sound. She chastised herself for not thinking about how cold it would get on the observation deck. She shivered slightly and took in the view. The city twinkled in the twilight. She took a deep breath and tried to shake off her worry.

            She’d been waiting on the observation deck for a while, long before Pinoe had texted her telling her that the letter had been delivered. She’d been doing the calculations in her head, factoring how long Hope would sit there with the letter before reading it, how long it would take her to open it, how many times she’d put it down before reading it, how long she would take thinking about it, and how long it would actually take her to get from the bar to the observation deck. She finally gave up, citing too many variables and just allowed herself to worry that Hope wouldn’t show up at all.

            The what-ifs were ever present. _What if she won’t change her_ _mind? What if she doesn’t want to try? What if her feelings just aren’t enough? What if I misjudged this? What if she doesn’t really love me? What if her feelings were just the old feelings? What if I’ve made a huge mistake and put myself out there and she doesn’t feel the same? Oh god, what happens then? How do we just go back to being friends or whatever? What have I done?_

            People moved around Kelley as she allowed her fears to run rampant. She stared out into the purpling sky and willed herself not to hyperventilate. Her brain didn’t register the thunk of the glass door behind her or the footsteps heading in her direction. Her thoughts were a revolving door of _Oh god what if she doesn’t show up?_ reactions. Her mind raced until she suddenly felt someone’s hands snake underneath her arms and around her waist. Her heart stopped as she felt the warmth of Hope’s body press against her back and her chin rest on her shoulder.  Kelley’s knees went weak when Hope breathed, “Hi Kell,” in her ear.

            She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, reveling in the closeness of the older woman. “Hi,” she sighed in relief.

            Kelley’s stomach flipped with happiness as she heard a low chuckle escape Hope’s throat and felt Hope pull her closer. “You sound relieved,” she said, calling out Kelley’s reaction.

            “Well I took a big leap you know? Sometimes you soar and sometimes you fall. I’m glad you’re here,” Kelley admitted quietly, dropping her head. She allowed all those anxious thoughts to leech out of her. She wanted to let it all go before she turned to face Hope. She didn’t want her to know how worried she’d been.

            “I know,” Hope whispered, a touch of hesitation in her voice. “I’m sorry I took so long. But I’m here now.”

            Kelley nodded and removed her hands from her pockets. She turned in Hope’s arms and rested her hands on her shoulders. She stared at Hope for a moment, allowing herself to drink the brunette in. Hope’s eyes were stormy, radiating love and nervous energy, but her hands were still as she held Kelley in her arms. “So you got my letter,” Kelley prompted with a smirk.

            Hope rolled her eyes at Kelley and smiled in spite of herself. “Well, yeah obviously,” she replied, her eyes crinkling up in happiness.

            Kelley smiled back and shook her head at Hope. She paused and grew serious. “Does this mean you’ve changed your mind about us?” she asked hopefully.

            Hope met her eyes and nodded slowly. “I did. What you said changed my mind. Everyone says I’ve been pushing back against this for stupid reasons. I think maybe they were right. And if you believe that we can work, then I’m willing to give it a shot.”

            Kelley smirked and replied, “You were going to give in anyway weren’t you? You just can’t resist me.”

            Hope closed her eyes and lowered her head, “No, I was going to give you up.”

            “What? Why?” Kelley asked, surprised at Hope’s admission.

            Hope sighed and shook her head, still not looking at Kelley. “Because I knew I was in deep and I felt like it was the only way. I thought maybe you were moving on too. Until tonight.”

            “Hope,” Kelley breathed. She lifted Hope’s chin and leaned in, kissing her softly on the lips. She pulled away slowly and waited for Hope to open her eyes. When she did she said, “I love you.”

            “Kell, are you sure?” Hope asked, her voice low and uncertain. Her eyebrows knit together as she studied Kelley.

            “Yes I’m sure,” Kelley said and then shrugged. “All the songs make sense.”

            “What?” Hope replied, her face filled with confusion.

            “All the songs make sense. Don’t you remember? That’s what the cop chick said to the writer dude about how you know when you are in love in that one episode of Castle,” Kelley explained, smirking. Her eyes twinkled with mirth.

            “Since when do you watch Castle?” Hope asked, her confusion turning to surprise.

            “I don’t, but remember in London when you made us watch all those episodes of Castle in retaliation for me making you watch Real Housewives all the time?” Kelley asked with a laugh. Hope nodded, a chuckle escaping her. “Yeah well anyway, it’s true. I can’t seem to get you out of my head and everything reminds me of you. So yes, I’m sure that I love you.”

            “Good,” Hope said simply. It was Kelley’s turn to be confused. She tilted her head to the side, waiting Hope out. Hope smiled at her and said, “Because I love you.”

            Kelley’s heart soared as she took in Hope’s words. She was hopeful that Hope shared her feelings, but the longer she had waited on the observation deck, the more the doubts picked at her heart. She grinned at the keeper and replied, “I know.”

            Hope laughed and shook her head. “This is absolutely why I love you,” she said, smiling at Kelley. They stood there looking at each other, sharing smiles, completely unaware of the darkening sky around them. Hope sighed contentedly and asked, “So what happens now?”

            “I’m so glad you asked,” Kelley replied, her smile widening. “Will you go out on a date with me?”

            Hope laughed, “Uh, when?”

            Kelley looked at her watch over Hope’s shoulder. “Um, in about fifteen minutes,” Kelley informed her.

            “What happens in fifteen minutes?” Hope asked, looking around the observation deck, somewhat warily.

            “We have a reservation inside,” Kelley said, the rest of her nervousness melting away.

            “We do?” Hope asked, eyebrows raised.

            “Yes, but I haven’t heard a yes yet. Will you go out with me?” Kelley smirked, reveling in the feeling of joy she felt in Hope’s arms.

            Hope rolled her eyes at the younger woman, but her smile betrayed her. “Yes O’Hara, I will go out with you,” Hope answered, meeting Kelley’s gaze. “What are we going to do for the next fifteen minutes?”

            Butterflies filled Kelley’s stomach as she leaned in and whispered, “I can think of a few things.”

***

            Hope closed her eyes and shut out the rest of the world as Kelley leaned up to kiss her. Their lips met gently, almost politely, with the promise of so much more. They stood there, totally enraptured with each other, oblivious to the world around them. Hope slowly drew her lips back from Kelley’s. She marveled at the fact that they had just kissed in public, on top of the Space Needle, for all of Seattle to see and she didn’t care. She leaned in and kissed Kelley on the tip of her nose before dropping her arms from around Kelley’s waist. Kelley reluctantly let go of her hold on Hope as the older woman took a step back. Hope smiled at Kelley and held out her hand. “Come on,” she said, “I want to show you my favorite spot.”

            Kelley returned her smile and took her hand. Hope’s heart leapt as she felt Kelley’s fingers interlace between her own. They had already broken so many of their old rules and Hope felt a surge of happiness run through her as she made her way around the observation deck hand in hand with Kelley. She stopped and squeezed Kelley’s hand, then looked out over the twinkling lights of downtown Seattle.

            “Wow, you can see the reflection of the buildings on the water,” Kelley breathed, taking in the bright lights of the city in front of her. Kelley shivered against the cold and released Hope’s hand, immediately crossing her arms in front of her.

            “Come here,” Hope said, stepping behind her and wrapping her long arms around the shorter woman. Kelley leaned into Hope and shivered again. Her body relaxed as Hope’s hold tightened around her and Hope pressed a kiss to the side of the younger woman’s head. “Better?”

            “Mm, much better,” Kelley replied with a sigh. “I’m really glad you changed your mind.”

            Hope closed her eyes and sighed. “Me too,” she whispered into Kelley’s ear. She’d been hesitant up until she wrapped her arms around Kelley’s waist, but now it felt right. As she’d sat there in the bar, contemplating Kelley’s words and sipping the vodka tonic, she’d come to the realization that she’d been wrong. She wanted something real with Kelley, more than anything, but she’d put what she’d thought was right ahead of what she’d wanted ever since Harvey asked her if Kelley was worth it. She had been operating under the assumption that it was best for Kelley to deny her feelings, but really it had just hurt the both of them. Now she was ready to try, to move forward into something they’d never done, because Kelley really was worth it.

            Hope looked out over Kelley’s shoulder at the city she loved. The skyline seemed brighter, the air seemed sweeter, and her heart felt full again. She leaned down and kissed Kelley’s shoulder before resting her chin on it. Holding Kelley in her arms and looking out over her favorite city, she realized that for the first time in a very long time she felt at home.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it everyone. Thank you all for reading and for sharing this very long journey. See? I told you it was turn out alright!


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